


'Things you said...'

by quantumoddity



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drabble Collection, F/M, Fluff, Light Smut, Miscarriage, Only in the first chapter, Shorts, prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 19:53:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 30,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8909824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantumoddity/pseuds/quantumoddity
Summary: More short ficlets! These all come from a list of prompts based around 'things you said...' It is another mix of angst and fluff and comfort and I really, really hope you like them! Just a warning about the first one, it does concern the miscarriage that Eliza suffered while Alex was away dealing with the Whiskey Rebellion. So just a heads up for mentions of that.





	1. Things you said while I cried

Normally, there wasn’t much that could halt a conversation between two of the most powerful men in the country, President Washington and Thomas Jefferson.   
Alexander Hamilton was one of them. Especially with the two words he spoke as he crashed through Washington’s office door.

“I resign.”

Washington blinked. Thomas choked off in the middle of the sneer that had risen up automatically at the sight of the Treasury Secretary. Alex merely stared, like he wasn’t actually seeing the two men in front of him. 

“Hamilton…what…” Washington tried to speak, staring at him, wanting to just restart the conversation over again and see of it made more sense a second time around.

“I resign,” Alex repeated, his voice completely flat, his eyes blank, “I’m leaving.”

A look passed between Washington and Thomas, a questioning look as to whether the world or just Alex had gone mad. 

Washington got to his feet, “Alexander, you’re exhausted, look at you. Get some sleep, calm down and we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

Jefferson’s lip curled a little, his southern drawl scathing, “You really have started spouting honest to god nonsense, even supposedly immortal beings like you need sleep.” 

Washington went to frown at Thomas, he was beyond sick of them sniping at each other like children. But he looked at Alexander, really looked at him for the first time since he’d made his unexpected entrance. He looked…well, usually Alex had this energy in him, an obvious kind of burning in his dark eyes, intense and restless and animated. It either attracted or repelled, always extremes. It made him an excellent debater, a reckless worker, a quick thinker. But it also suggested the constant possibility of self-destruct. It made him Alexander Hamilton.

And now it was just gone. 

Alex’s eyes were dead, blank and dark and lifeless. He looked like he was about to collapse, like he was moving on some kind of autopilot. 

He looked dead. 

Washington shot Thomas a look, even he backed off, getting the same sense that something was very wrong. 

Alex repeated himself, like it was all he was capable of saying, “I’m resigning, sir. I…I’m leaving. DC. My job. I’m going home.”

Washington felt guilt bloom in his chest; had Hamilton finally snapped? Had this uproar over his latest tax measures, the ones Washington had encouraged him to publish, knowing they would be unpopular, had it broken him? Washington had been worried about him for a long time. 

“Alex,” he tried to keep his voice level and reassuring, “Come on, you just need sleep. I know you’re overworked but it’ll be sorted soon, you can go home to New York and Eliza and the children-“

The effect of his words on Alex was instantaneous. Sorrow, grief, sudden and terrifying, broke through in his eyes; both Washington and Thomas could watch him physically teeter on the edge of a complete breakdown before catching himself just in time. And then the dead stare, the expressionless, flat mask was back. Though now they all understood how fragile a disguise it was. 

It was an uncomfortable realization.

Washington was genuinely scared, “Alex, what’s…what’s wrong?”

He shrank back, his whole body tense; the strain as he clung to the mask of calm was obvious. 

“It’s Eliza,” he eventually murmured, his voice so quiet it was hardly there, “We lost the baby.”

There wasn’t a sound for the longest time. A mix of not knowing what to say, of knowing no words could possibly fix that, of confusion and awkwardness and grief. Alex stared resolutely at the floor, hanging to his composure by his fingertips. 

The first time he’d said it out loud. Since he’d had that phone call where Eliza couldn’t even speak, she could only sob brokenly for ten minutes straight while he just prayed the sound of his breathing would be enough because, fuck, he had no words for this. It had been Peggy who’d had to tell him, who’d actually spoken the words that had torn his soul in two. 

He’d lost a child. Something so precious had been taken from him, with no warning and he wasn’t even looking when it happened. 

And it was his fault. 

“I resign,” Alex murmured again, “I’m done. Done with this, done with…with being this person. I need to go home.”

Washington didn’t say anything. He just stood there and accepted the piece of paper Alex was holding out to him, his letter of resignation. Just one sentence. The shortest piece of work he’d ever received from the man who’d worked for him unfailingly for decades. 

“Do you want me to drive you to the airport?” the words were out of Thomas’ mouth before he’d even realized they were coming. Where they’d escaped from, he had no idea. He’d just wanted to say…something. Something to the man who was drowning in grief right before his eyes. 

“That is very kind of you, Jefferson,” Alex murmured blankly, the forced politeness sounding so wrong in his voice, robotic and vague, “I would appreciate it.” 

Thomas hesitated but resigned himself to this, following Alex as he all but fled from the room. He gave Washington a look of desperation but got nothing in return.   
Washington stood there alone in the middle of his office for a long time, staring at the piece of paper in his hands. He had the feeling that things were never going to be the same, for him, for the country.

For Alexander.

 

Alex had begged her not to do anything until he got home. He’d begged her to wait, so she didn’t have to do it without him. 

But with delays and changes, he wouldn’t be home until tomorrow morning and Eliza just couldn’t wait that long. Her hands kept fluttering to the curve in her belly, unconsciously, she still felt the weight and the pressure. There was just no movement. No life.

It broke her heart. She couldn’t have this in her another minute, it was too much. So when the doctor asked her quietly if she was ready to do this, it would be over within a few hours, Eliza just nodded. 

And now she was empty. Within a day she’d gone from pregnant to not, expecting to not, full to empty. Happy to inconsolable. 

It was too much. 

Eliza was lying in their bed, alternating between sleeping and crying, sobbing until she sank into restless sleep, waking as hideous things she dreamed of started her weeping all over again. Her eyes were raw, her whole body ached and stung, she felt trapped and miserable but she couldn’t imagine doing anything else. 

She was hardly even aware of Alex, as the door opened and shut softly and he staggered over to her, wrapping her up in his arms and holding her tight like he couldn’t believe she was real. 

He just murmured her name over and over again. Like it was all he could say. 

“I’m sorry,” Eliza sighed into his hair, still half asleep, half awake, half alive it felt like.

Alex stopped with a confused little noise. 

“I’m sorry. I tried to hold on to them, I tried to…to…” Eliza’s voice trailed away into a hitching sob. 

Alex had told himself he was going to be strong for her, that his grief could be shelved until she was taken care of. But with those words his resolve crumbled and he began to sob uncontrollably. Within moments, they were clinging to each other, both crying and comforting in equal measures, mourning their lost child. 

“Eliza,” he gasped, his voice trembling and shuddering, “I-It’s not your fault, please don’t think you did anything to cause this.”

It was his fault. Alex knew that for a dark, heavy certainty but he didn’t voice it. He swallowed back the bitterness and guilt, held it in himself. 

Eliza rested her forehead against his, closing her eyes, tears still running silently down her face. Alex sighed deeply and held her. He thought about telling her when he’d done, how he was never leaving her side again, how he was done with letting a career in politics tear him apart. 

But it could wait. For now they both needed silence, a moment of quiet.

A moment to say goodbye.


	2. 52) things you said with my lips on your neck

Eliza had never been so tired in all her life but she was so unbelievably happy as she left the school gates, she felt like dancing rather than simply walking. Alex was there, sat on a mailbox, just like he promised he’d be and looking like he’d rolled out of bed ten minutes ago.

“Hello there, beautiful,” he smiled, reaching out a hand as she approached, “How was your first day?”

Her answer was a long and languid kiss, enjoying the warmth of the sunset on their skin, a perfect slow moment where the traffic noise and thrum of the city around them faded away and it was just her and him.

“It was so, so amazing!” Eliza crowed, jumping up and down on the balls of her feet, tugging on the drawstrings of his hoodie, “I had the best day ever!”

Alex’s expression relaxed into relief. He’d seen how nervous she’d been that morning about her first day volunteering at the local elementary school, acting as a classroom assistant. He’d sat cross legged on the bed while she’d paced around her dorm room for hours, eyes wild and red from staying up all night in Alex’s arms fretting that the kids wouldn’t like her, that she’d say something stupid, that she’d mess up. To see her now, her smile iridescent, her eyes bright and excited, he couldn’t help but smile himself.

“Oh yeah?” Alex asked, sliding down off the mailbox and wrapping his arms around her waist.

“Yeah!” Eliza grinned, leaning into him, “The kids were wonderful, they actually listened to me and they laughed Alex, I told you that joke about the butterflies was funny! And they had so many questions, they went on for ages and this one little girl drew me a picture, it was the sweetest thing-“

Alex leaned over and shouldered his girlfriend’s bag for her (stumbling slightly, he hadn’t expected it to be quite so heavy but he righted himself quickly), taking her arm in his and leading her off towards the park, towards their favorite coffee stand. Eliza didn’t even pause for breath, chattering and keeping pace beside him, the slight breeze catching hold of the wisps of dark hair that had escaped her bun, the setting sun reflected in her dark eyes.

Alex had a feeling they had a lot to talk about and he was more than happy to hear it.

“And then this kid Will was telling me about how he found a frog at the park, it didn’t have a lot to do with learning verbs but it was a super cool story, it was a yellow frog-“

Eliza stopped briefly to take a swallow of her hot chocolate. They’d been sat on their usual park bench for nearly an hour but she showed no signs of feeling the cold of the gathering dusk around them, so signs of slowing down. Alex smiled and pulled her closer against his side, admiring her enthusiasm with relaxed, half closed eyes.

“And he said it was huge, he held his hands apart to show me but I think I might have been exaggerating, I don’t think frogs can actually get that big. And then this other girl told me about pretty much every dog she saw at the park this week, that was fun…”

It was like Eliza suddenly noticed how long she’d been talking, like she could suddenly feel the rawness of her throat, how her jaw was tired; she sat back a little, bemused at herself. That was when she felt Alex’s eyes on her.

“What?” she challenged him, grinning, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Alex’s voice was low and quiet, her eyes fond, “I’m just so proud of you, baby. You’re just…you’re amazing.”

Eliza squirmed a little, blushing, but he could tell how pleased she was. It was true; he’d never seen her so enthusiastic about anything before, so excited and determined and fired up.

“You know what?” Eliza smiled, tilting her head like a puppy, “I’m kind of proud of me, too. I crushed it today.”

Hearing her say those words filled him with the kind of joy and pride he didn’t even have a word for, the kind he’d only ever felt with her. He brought their joined hands up to his lips and kissed the back of her’s tenderly, his eyes warm and loving. Eliza leaned her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes happily.

“So you think you’re going to work with kids?” Alex asked conversationally, trying to distract from the fact that he was close to tears, “When you graduate?”

Eliza nodded, “Yeah…I don’t think I’m going to be a teacher though.”

“Apparently not,” Alex chucked, “Sounds like you’re incredibly easy to distract. Any students of yours would know a lot about cute animals but they wouldn’t know shit about fractions.”

Eliza sat up and punched his arm playfully, raising her eyebrows, “Shut up, dude.”

She knew he was right though.

“No,” Eliza plucked at the tassels of her scarf thoughtfully, “I was thinking and I think I’d like to maybe work…like in an orphanage or something? Help kids who really, really need it. It’s not fair that some kids don’t even get a chance because of what, bad luck? I want to fix that.”

Alex’s eyes flickered to his boots and he squeezed her hand. Eliza always had been one for hopeless cases, for taking on the work and the heartache that no one else wanted. Like she had with him. 

“I love you, Eliza,” he sighed, watching his breath mist in the air, “Those kids are very lucky.”

“I love you too,” Eliza, replied, lifting up off the bench a little so she could kiss his cheek, making him smile. He pressed her lips to the hollows of his neck and he stroked her windswept hair. 

The sat quietly for a while, just happy to be so close to one other, each simply enjoying the fact that the other was there.

“I learned a lot about getting noisy kids to pipe down though,” she laughed, “Good practice for our kids. Will’s a good name actually now that I think about it, I’ll have to write it down or something.”

Eliza froze, her eyes widening, her face blushing bright red, expression set in complete disbelief that she’d said something so stupid. She bolted upright, away from him, cursing herself. Who the hell talked about having kids when they’d been going out with someone for less than a year?

“I…I mean, that came out wrong, not that I’m saying that you and me need to…like, start thinking…sorry, that was super dumb,” she stammered, tripping over her words, feeling cold wash over her with every second that went by without a word from Alex.

When she finally plucked up the courage to look over at him, he didn’t look horrified or like he was about to run away. He was watching her carefully, his expression more…awed than anything.

“So you…you actually want to have kids with me someday?” Alex asked, a tone to his voice like he’d just been handed an amazing gift, one he’d never ever though he’d be deserving of.

‘Yeah,” Eliza laughed nervously, relaxing, “Of course I do.”

All of a sudden he looked like he was trying hard not to cry.

“That’s…” he started but it looked like he was struggling to find the words. That was a first, “That’s…really cool, Eliza.”

She had to laugh, half in relief, half in amusement. All she suddenly wanted to do was kiss him again so she did, pulling him towards her and losing herself in the gentle touch of his skin. Her Alex.

She felt different, she’d felt different since she’d walked out of the school gates, like she’d been holding something in her hand, something real and tangible and precious. But now, with Alex’s lips on her’s, she realized what it was.

A future.


	3. 24) Things you said with clenched fists

Eliza breathed deeply, trying to steady herself. After a moment spent lowering her head, concentrating on the dark red of her fingernails, the room stopped spinning and the tightening in her abdomen relaxed. She straightened, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ears, hoping no one had noticed. Fortunately, she was alone at the table. 

It was just nerves, she was certain, and she cursed herself for still getting like this after so long. Although, normally, they’d fade after a while, after Alex had found her some interesting people to talk to and pressed a gin and tonic into her hand. But the dinner had been going on for two hours now, hours that had felt like years to Eliza, and still, every twenty minutes or so, the room would tip sickeningly and she’d be forced to sit down.

She wanted Alex. Either to hold his hand for comfort or strangle him for making her come to this stupid thing, she hadn’t decided, but he’d been pulled away to get ready for Washington’s impending speech, which he’d be on the stage for, alongside the other major cabinet members. Unfortunately, that also included Thomas Jefferson. Eliza had been left with strict instructions; if tensions got too high between her husband and his ‘mortal enemy’ (Alex’s own words) she was to draw attention away from the probable fistfight, tip a table or feign going into labour…

Wait. Eliza stopped, those words hanging extremely heavily in her mind. Maybe these weren’t nerves. There was something distressingly familiar about them…

No, that would be too unfair, too soap opera-esque. Her due date was still a little less than a month away. She was not going into labour at the White House Correspondents dinner.

But now the thought was in her head it was impossible to shake it off. With every bout of nausea and tightening of her already stretched skin, she was reminded more and more of the three labours she’d already undergone in her life. She felt her heartbeat increase speed rapidly.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Eliza moaned.

She needed Alex.

She began rummaging in her purse for her phone, deciding that President Washington could wait for once. She really needed her husband.

-

Alexander was surprised when his phone buzzed to life in his pocket; it made him jump like a scalded cat. He felt George’s eyes on him and heard the grim edge to his voice as he joked, “Alexander, I’d like to make this speech without hearing your ridiculous La Bamba ringtone, if that’s not too much to ask.”

“Thought I’d turned it off, sorry” Alex muttered apologetically, turning and walking further down the empty corridor in which he had been acting as a sounding board for Washington’s last minute run-through. He couldn’t resist a quick glace at the new text and, later on that evening, he’d reflect on how glad he was that he had read it. 

Bathroom on the left up the west stairs. Come NOW. You know I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.

Alex frowned. What game was Eliza playing here? His mind immediately jumped to a certain inaugural gala where a frustrated Eliza had called him away, in a similar manner, to an empty bathroom and promptly fucked him senseless. It was, unsurprisingly, one of the best parties he’d been to in his life but he had a sneaking suspicion that this was something different.

“Sir, I have to go,” he said, a little vacant as some awful potential situations crowded into his head.

“Alexander, tell me you’re pulling my leg here,” Washington said flatly, no longer joking, “We are on stage in ten minutes.”

Alex didn’t turn back, in fact, he picked up his pace towards the main room. The president’s mouth fell open in sheer exasperation, as it often did when dealing with his young Treasury Secretary.

“At least promise me you’ll be back in time?” he shouted at Alex’s retreating back.

“Can’t really, sir. Sorry, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Those were Alex’s last words as he disappeared round the corner. Washington felt a tension headache beginning to grow in his temples. It was a good thing Alexander Hamilton was worth the effort; not many people would be.

-

The corridor was deserted; the guests had been instructed to use the bathrooms at the top of the East stairs. Alex’s anxiety had hit the roof by the time he reached the door; he was convinced his wife was bleeding to death or that one of his kids had been kidnapped or the house had burned down or all of the above. He was almost to scared to turn the knob, only doing so after a very deep breath.

There were no open wounds but something was definitely wrong. Eliza was white as a sheet and trembling, her hair falling out of its neat style around her drawn face, braced against the sink, one arm wrapped around her gravid stomach.

“Eliza?” Alex exclaimed, his voice propelled up a few octaves by stress, “what’s wrong?”

Her voice was faint and shaky, she was almost panting, “Um…I’m not a hundred percent sure but-ah!”

She was cut short as her stomach lurched with more force than ever, her fingers clenching into fists as the pain reverberated through her body. Alex was hit with a overwhelming sense of déjà vu.

“Oh no…” he groaned, feeling himself go cold, “I-is this, like, for real?”

He had a history of overreacting to Eliza’s every twinge and gasp the further she got in her pregnancies.

“Fairly sure at this point,” Eliza moaned, her voice strained and weak.

“Seriously? Like, the baby’s coming now?” Alex was having a hard time wrapping his head around the concept, despite the fact that this was their fourth child, “at the White House?!”

“Well I’m incredibly sorry for fucking inconveniencing you, Alex!” Eliza snapped at him, venomously.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he back pedalled quickly, seeing his wife was obviously in pain (she never swore unless things got really bad), moving to her side, taking her in his arms in what he hoped was a comforting way, “I’m just freaking out a little.”

“You’re freaking out?”

There was a pause as Eliza buried her face in Alex’s chest, gripping his arms tightly, glad he was here despite the fact that he was being a bit of a tit.

Alex gave a weak laugh, “So I’m guessing this isn’t going to be like that time in the bathroom at the inauguration?”

“Alex, I swear, I’m going to break every one of your teeth.”

It was going to be a long time before Washington forgave Alexander for calling an ambulance to the White House in the middle of his speech. Eliza was forgiven instantly.


	4. 19) things you said when we were the happiest we ever were

Aaron sighed, folding his arms, leaning back in the car seat. He found himself pressing his fingertips to his temples, the way he did when he was stressed. How long did it take to say goodnight to someone, for God’s sake?

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been feeling a little conflicted ever since his daughter had started dating Philip Hamilton. He’d known the boy since he was a baby; he knew he was a good kid at heart and Theo’s best friend. But he just couldn’t help it, every time he saw those dark brown eyes and that crooked smile, all he saw was Alexander Hamilton glaring at him from across a cramped law firm desk after accidentally on purpose messing up Aaron’s filing system again, snapping at him after Aaron’s elbow edged over to his side, arguing with him over something that just didn’t fucking matter. He knew Philip had more of his mother’s temperament that his father’s (usually) but he just couldn’t separate the two in his mind.

Aaron glanced at the clock on the dashboard and frowned. He’d insisted on driving Philip home after one of their study sessions had run on too late in the night for him to feel comfortable letting the boy walk but he hadn’t expected it to take so long. Theo only said she was walking him to the door, what in the hell were they doing, the two of them could talk for hours-

Aaron felt himself go cold all over as he glanced out of the window, like someone had upended a bucket of ice over his head.

Philip and Theo were stood on the Hamilton’s front stoop. But they definitely weren’t talking. Talking definitely did not involve so much lip contact or hands on each other’s lower backs. Definitely not.

Aaron felt himself tense. He didn’t know whether to be sick or scream or hit something or-

But then the two of them pulled away and he saw Philip’s face, his expression of bewilderment and joy. And instead of seeing Alexander’s smug, incredibly punchable face Aaron saw himself. He remembered feeling like that.

“So…we’re doing this?” Aaron’s voice, usually so calm and level, shook with a thousand different emotions, most of them ones he didn’t even have names for.

Theodosia looked so beautiful, it was like she didn’t even look real. Everything else fell away, the cold night air as they stood on the balcony, the faded racket of the party from behind the French doors. All he cared about, all he could see was her, the way the sheer yellow material of her dress looked against her dark skin, the way the moonlight caught in her onyx eyes, her nervous smile.

“Yes. I suppose we are,” her voice was quiet, lyrical, low. But she sounded uncertain. Aaron had never heard Theodosia sound uncertain before, “I mean, um, if you want to? We could…we could have something real. Something we didn’t have to hide. But…I mean, if that’s not what you…if you don’t…”

Her voice trailed off, gnawing on her lip, her eyes flickering down, “If that’s not what you want, I understand. But I think we could be good, you and me.”

Aaron blinked. He wasn’t going to waste another moment.

He took hold of her and pulled her towards him, kissing her with more emotion than he’d ever dared show before. Enough with walls, enough with closed doors. In that one kiss he gave her everything he had, every part of him, the good and the bad and everything that was in between, he gave it to her freely and knew it was going to be okay. And it was, Theodosia took it all and held it and loved him because of it.

It wasn’t their first kiss; they’d already explored every inch of each other in that respect. Aaron knew the feel of her skin as well as he knew his own. But something had definitely changed; they were definitely standing at the mouth of something new. A path had been laid out at their feet and neither of them knew where it led but they would find out.

Aaron could cry. And he did, a little, his eyes damp as they finally let each other go.

“Are you okay?” Theodosia whispered, awed, not letting go of his arms, running her thumb gently over his skin, her touch alone enough to comfort him.

“Yeah,” Aaron replied with a dry, bemused laugh, “Yeah, I…I’ve just never felt so happy. Ever. Is that strange?”

Her laugh was a sound he’d move mountains to hear again, “No. No, I think I understand exactly what you mean.” 

Aaron smiled. He finally had someone who understood him.

Theo’s face was flushed, her eyes shining, sliding into the passenger seat like she wasn’t even sure what planet she was on. Aaron couldn’t hide his smile. His daughter jumped like a scalded cat when she her brain finally ground into gear and she noticed.

“Y-you didn’t, um, see that did you?” Theo yelped, embarrassed.

Aaron opened his mouth to lie, to try and spare his daughter’s feelings but he’d never been very good at lying to his Theo. She moaned and hid her face in her jumper, pulling her knees to her chest like a startled hedgehog.

“No, no, no,” Aaron chuckled, reaching out and putting a hand on her shoulder, “It’s okay. I’m not going to murder Philip or anything. It…it’s great. Honestly. He’s a good kid.”

Theo’s eyes flickered to him, her skin still radiating, “Really?”

“Yes,” he sighed, only a little reluctantly, “He’s kind to you and that’s all I care about. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy, darling. Honestly.”

She poked her head out of her sweater, studying her father’s face carefully. Then she gave him a smile, a smile that gave him déjà vu and a kind of sadness that he welcomed.

“Come on, Theodosia,” he turned to the wheel after one last squeeze of his daughter’s shoulder, “Let’s head home. Before I change my mind about murdering that boy.”

She gave a short laugh at the joke but his words had struck her. She usually grumbled when anyone used her full name; Philip had received more than a few punches to the shoulder for it. But not her dad. She knew that name still caused him pain. And that he only used it when he was genuinely proud of her, when he wanted her to know how much she meant to him.

“Thanks dad,” she murmured quietly.


	5. 49) Things you said when we were 18  50) Things you said when we were 70

Eliza wasn’t entirely sure what had just happened.

One moment, she’d been terrified; that creep’s hand on her arm, holding way too tight as he hissed a disgusting slur that made her flinch. She’d known from the moment he drunkenly lurched towards her while she stood at the bar that he was bad news, she’d turned down his inevitable lecherous proposition. She’d wanted to yell out when he’d reached out and taken hold of her but with the music throbbing through the club, she knew no one would hear. Eliza had just frozen in terror, her limbs trembling, her mouth dry.

The next moment, a grey blur had come rocketing towards them from the left and the tight grip had disappeared, the drunken creep reeling back with a yell of pain. He’d crumpled to the dirty floor, blood running from between his fingers.

And now Eliza just stood there, her mouth hanging open, staring in disbelief at the stranger who’d just committed grievous bodily harm for her. He was wiry, with long hair that looked black but that might have been the club lights. He was slight but fierce, his fists still up and his dark face furrowed in a manic scowl as he yelled a long string of expletives at the creep that Eliza couldn’t hear over the music and the racket of her own heartbeat in her ears. 

“Are you okay?” the boy turned to her and hollered over the thrumming bass line, his expression relaxing into concern.

Eliza blinked and shook herself awake; nodding that yes she was okay. She opened her mouth to say something more, thought she was at a loss for what to say, but that was when she noticed the very large bouncer approaching them from behind him, with a seriously worrying expression.

“Um, we may need to get you out of here,” she yelled, reaching out and taking hold of his hand, pulling him hurriedly into the crowd and towards the door.

“Huh? Oh…oh yeah.”

“So? Um, what’s your name?” Eliza asked a little meekly, hugging her knees to her chest and shivering in the cold night air. Sequined tank tops and tiny shorts were not built for warmth.

The boy laughed, clearly also thinking how odd their situation was; they didn’t know each other’s names but they’d pulled off a daring escape from a nightclub and sprinting three blocks hand in hand before sinking down side by side on the curb.

“Uh, I’m Alexander Hamilton,” he smiled at her. He had a nice smile, the kind that made you smile in turn. He also apparently had the name of a Scottish lord when he was a stick thin Latino kid with the ghost of a goatee. 

He held out his hand for her to shake but gave a yelp of pain and grabbed his wrist. He must have split his knuckles on the drunken jerk’s jaw.

Eliza winced in sympathy, taking his hand in her’s and studying the broken skin carefully, “Hang on, let me have a look. Looks like you did as much damage to yourself as you did to that jerk.”

Alex snorted but he smiled gratefully as she pulled out a pack of tissues from her purse and started gently dabbing at the blood.

“I, um, I want to thank you for what you did back there. I’m sorry it got you in trouble and you hurt yourself and everything but…thank you,” Eliza stumbled over her words a little. She was usually shy around people but, for some reason, this guy’s warm brown eyes on her and his hot skin against her’s seemed to be tying her tongue in knots.

“Oh, no, don’t worry about it,” Alexander insisted brightly, “I get in trouble all the time.”

Eliza had to laugh at that. He did have the look of someone who attracted trouble like a magnet. Bad news, her sister Angelica would have said with a dry smile.

“So what’s your name? You never said,” Alexander Hamilton grinned, his eyes shining in the orange streetlight. 

“Oh, yeah, sorry…um, I’m Elizabeth Schuyler. But you can call me Eliza, everyone does,” she smiled.

Alexander tilted his head, his grin turned adorably crooked “Well, Eliza, if it takes me punching some sleazy pervert in a club for us to meet, it will have been worth it.”

-

The sunlight was warm on Eliza’s skin as she stood out on the back porch, admiring her flowers. They were coming in beautifully this year. Alex would be pleased to see that the crooked row of sunflowers he’d planted was almost reaching her knees.

The door slid open behind her and she recognised Alex’s footsteps.

“Well, Aaron managed to pull a bookcase over. I tell you, that kid’s as bad as Philip was when he was that age,” Alexander’s words were stern but his voice was full of warmth, “Like father like son, I guess.”

Eliza turned, smiling mischievously, “And what does that say about you? Aaron’s your grandson.”

Alex smirked, coming up to stand besides her, threading his arm through her’s, “Okay, I walked right into that one.”

The two of them just stood for a while in companionable silence, Eliza leaning her head on Alex’s shoulder. His long hair tickled her nose a little, even at seventy, even after the black had turned silver, he couldn’t be persuaded to cut it. Eliza was secretly pleased; she liked it long.

“Alex? Do you remember what you said the first time we met?” Eliza murmured quietly, not really thinking, not really sure where the words had come from.

Her husband gave a bark of laughter, “How could I forget? My first bar fight in New York.”

Eliza rolled her eyes and chuckled, “Yeah, you had a hell of a bruise. But do you remember what you said to me?”

He fell quiet for a moment, “Something suitably suave and romantic, I guess. Didn’t I say that if it took me punching a guy in the face for us to meet, it would have been worth it?”

Those words still brought warmth in her chest and a smile to her face, “Yes, that’s it…so, I was wondering…was it? Was it worth it?”

Alex blinked, surprised. Then he smiled warmly, turning to take both of her hands in his, his brown eyes staring into her’s.

“More than you can ever know, Eliza,” he promised.


	6. 46) Things you said when you kissed me goodnight

“And Philip’s bedtime is half nine, no matter what he tells you, mom. What…she did what…oh really? …Yeah, okay, she’d been doing stuff like this for a while, she tried to catch a pigeon at the square the other day, said she was going to keep it as a pet. How exactly did she get her hands on a frog? Oh…oh no….”

Eliza couldn’t help but smile sadly as she listened to her mother’s exasperated account of how little Angie Hamilton had nearly ended up head first in the Schuyler’s pond. As nice as it was to have the house free of the cacophony of shrieking children, it was always the same. Five minutes after she and Alex put them on the train up to Albany; she’d be pacing the halls, ringing her mother, fretfully asking how they were doing, if they missed her, if they were all still in one piece. Alex would shake his head at her anxiety, but he’d always hover around her while she talked, reaching for the phone the second one of the kids was on the other end. She’d shooed him into the kitchen five minutes ago.

Which reminded her.

“Okay, mom, I’ve got to get going. Give them all a big hug and kiss from Alex and me. Thanks mom. Love you. Goodnight!”

Eliza replaced the phone, skating her hand over her hair, tucking it back into place, smoothing the front of her jumper. She needed a distraction and she knew exactly where she was going to find one.

Alex was struggling with the gold foil on a bottle of champagne when she poked her head around the kitchen door. She raised her eyebrows at him, letting him struggle for a while before holding out her hand, and he sheepishly handed it over.

“Happy anniversary, my angel,” Alex grinned as they (eventually) clinked their glasses together, the chime ringing through the kitchen.

“Same to you,” Eliza smiled back, thinking on how lucky she was.

“So what do you want to do?” he asked, wrinkling his nose a little at the bubbles fizzing in his mouth, “We could go for a walk around the park, we could go see a movie, we could go for a drink somewhere?”

Eliza bit her lip, pretending to consider, twirling the stem of her glass in her fingers, “Those do sound fun. Or, hear me out here…we could tear each other’s clothes off and have sex until we fall asleep?”

Alex’s face split into a grin, “Perfect.”

Both of them simultaneously slammed their glasses down on the kitchen counter and crashed into each other, Alex lifting Eliza right off her feet, her legs locking around his hips. They kissed each other frantically, hungrily, hands grasping and tongues darting. Eliza’s fingers took handfuls of Alex’s hair, pulling at the roots and forcing low, desperate moans from his lips. Alex’s fingernails left marks on the small of her back but she loved it so much, it only drove her on. They both lost track of how long they stayed there, making out, lost in each other.

“I love you, Eliza,” Alex panted breathlessly against her chest, adoring the smell of her, her flowery perfume and musk and soap, “I love you so, so much.”

“I love you too,” she sighed into his hair, grinning delightedly, “Fuck me. Now.”

“Where-“ Alex gasped, losing the rest of his words to an aroused growl as he felt the heat of her lips on his skin, her teeth closing on his ear.

They both knew they weren’t going to make it anywhere near their bed.

“Table,” Eliza groaned, not willing to wait another second.

Alex laughed helplessly, “Whatever you want.”

He sent the newspapers and discarded pens and toys left on the kitchen table flying to the floor with a sweep of his arm and laid Eliza out on it. He didn’t waste a single second, pulling off her jeans and her underwear in a few swift, precise motions. A peal of delighted laughter burst from Eliza’s lips, her heartbeat increased so she felt like it might burst, as Alex bent between her legs, grinning crookedly. She knew where this was going.

Alex was a man of many talents and cunnilingus was definitely one of them. Within five minutes of his tongue tracing careful paths across her, Eliza was a mess, moaning and yelping and gasping, her voice climbing in volume and pitch as she rocketed towards her limit. Alex could see nothing, taste nothing, and hear nothing beyond Eliza, his Eliza, opening up for him, coming apart under his touch.

Just before she came, as she was right on the edge, Alex pulled back with a throaty laugh, letting her hang there. Eliza gave a cry of frustration, her back arching. 

“Alexander,” she moaned desperately, “Not fair.”

“Sorry,” he shrugged, clearly not sorry, reveling in the sound of his name in her beautifully strained voice.

He gave in and nudged her towards the finish. Eliza came hard and fast with an indistinct cry of ecstasy, music in Alex’s ears. It was a long time before she could bring herself to open her eyes to see his face surrounded by a bird’s nest of hair, smiling iridescently, triumphantly, but with so much love shining in his eyes.

“Happy anniversary,” he murmured, trying and failing not to look smug as hell, “I love you.”

Eliza tried to catch her breath, “I love you too…but see if you’re still smiling like that once I’m through with you.”

It was late when they finally made it into bed, too exhausted to even get into their pajamas or even get under the covers, just wrapped up in each other and their happiness, so much it didn’t feel fair. Before they drifted off, Eliza managed one last kiss on Alex’s cheek, making him smile and blush.

“Goodnight, Alex. And thank you,” she whispered in his ear.

“You are so welcome, my love. Goodnight,” he mumbled, squeezing her hand.

It was a pretty good anniversary, all things considered.


	7. 13) Things you said at the kitchen table

After a while, the guests began to filter out of the kitchen, sensing that Eliza needed to be left alone. She sat at the kitchen table, staring into the cup of coffee in her hands that had turned ice cold twenty minutes ago. She thought she was done. She thought she had nothing left. But as she sat there, left alone in the silence with the sunset’s orange light flooding the room, yet more tears began to fall from her eyes, running down the ridge of her nose, falling onto her hands. She felt her mouth twist as she tried to swallow back the sobs that rose in her chest, the raw pain that didn’t feel like it was ever going to go away.

Eliza knew he wouldn’t want this, ever since he was little Philip had hated to see people upset. A particularly rough day at the orphanage had once left Eliza quietly weeping on the sofa and five year old Philip had ran outside in the pouring rain to pick her a bunch of flowers to make her smile. When he was seven, he’d found his dad in the midst of a panic attack and hadn’t run away but instead wormed his way into his lap, pulling funny faces until Alex’s sobs had turned to laughter. If he could have seen all those people at his funeral today, seen all his siblings leaning on each other with matching tears streaking their little faces, even the young ones who didn’t really understand, who only knew that their brother was gone and that they missed him terribly. It would have broken his heart.

If he could see his mother sobbing silently and brokenly in the kitchen all alone. Eliza could feel the ghost of his hand on her’s, his arm around her shoulder as he pulled her close to him, ‘please don’t cry, mom, it’s okay, I promise it’s okay-“ It only made her cry harder.

But what else was she supposed to do when someone had taken the light in her life and broken it into a million different pieces, leaving her in the dark, when it felt like someone had ripped her arm away from her body? What else could she do but cry and cry until there was nothing left of her but an empty shell, a breath of smoke hanging in the air, fading fast?

Eliza bent her head, covering her face with her hands; ice-cold water was closing over her head, pressing down on her from all sides, crushing her, squeezing the air from her lungs, she couldn’t breathe, oh God what was she supposed to do?

He appeared across from her without her noticing. One moment the chair was empty, the next it wasn’t and there was a hand on her arm, a low, worried voice in her ear.

“Eliza? Eliza, stay with me, just try and breathe,” Alex’s voice was trembling; she could feel his hand shaking.

Even in the midst of everything, even as she was nearly choking on her sobs, Eliza kind of wanted to laugh. How many times had she said that to him, stroking his long hair and holding him tightly so he knew she was real, while he was panicking over any of a million different things? How many times had he said almost those exact words to her as she battled her way through labor, supporting her as she found her way through the storm to their new baby? How many times had they helped each other, relied on each other when they’d felt like they had no one else? Eliza had never, ever doubted that love but now, when she needed it more than she ever had before, she was falling and reaching out for something that wasn’t there.

“I’m here, Eliza, I’ve got you,” Alex sounded as if he needed the reassurance as much as she did, like he was an inch away from breaking alongside her. He probably was, she’d heard him from his office across the hall at night. So many times she’d come so close to leaving her bedroom and going to him, wanting to hold him and be held in turn. She’d gotten as far as the door two nights ago, her hand on the doorknob.

But she hadn’t, she just hadn’t been able to make that leap, to step off that cliff. And now Alex had. Like always, he’d been the reckless one, the one to act and then think later. So where did they go from here? What happened now?

As Eliza managed to take hold of herself again, as her sobbing slowed to gentle sniffles, both of them realized they were waiting, like they were tensed for a blow that was hurtling towards them both.

Eliza came so close to pulling away, to jumping to her feet and running from the room.

But she was just so tired. She’d been through so much and she just couldn’t hold on anymore.

She relaxed against Alex, resting her head against his shoulder, taking his hand in her’s.

Now it was Alex’s turn to break.

Afterwards, when they both quiet again, Eliza’s eyes were stinging with salt. Alex gently took hold of her face in his hands, running his thumbs over her sore cheeks, wiping away the burning tear tracks.

“I just don’t understand,” he moaned, not even sounding like him, sounding like his voice was a scratched and dusty record of what it used to be, “We loved him so, so much. And it still wasn’t…it wasn’t enough to save him. It didn’t keep him safe.”

Eliza’s mouth twisted. She understood exactly what he meant. It stung so much to know that they’d loved their son with all their heart and soul and it just hadn’t been enough. That bullet had still hit him and torn him and took him.

But Eliza looked down that her hand, still wrapped in Alexander’s. Neither of them had any plans to let go.

So maybe their love was going to be enough for something.


	8. 53) Things you said after midnight

Alex would sometimes get a little sad when he saw how big his children were getting, especially his eldest Philip, who already came up to his dad’s waist. But at least he could still carry his son up the stairs to his bedroom after he fell asleep on the couch during the film night. He still had that, Alex thought fondly, as he kissed the boy on the forehead before quietly tiptoeing out into the hall. He was still smiling as he walked back into the living room, dark but for the flickering light of the TV screen.

“Well, that’s the last of them in bed. I don’t know why they fight so hard to stay up for film night when they know they’re just going to-“

He stopped and bit back a laugh.

“-fall asleep.”

Eliza was stretched out on the sofa, her head pillowed on her arms, snoring softly. Alex chuckled softly, reaching out to stroke her hair, moving a lock away from her relaxed face. He couldn’t blame her exactly; the round globe of her stomach was obvious even under the blanket she’d pulled up to her chin. She always got like this when she was heavily pregnant, falling asleep on every horizontal surface.

Just another few weeks and he’d have another little Hamilton to carry up to bed. His smile grew wider at the thought.

Alex knew he should wake her and make her go to bed. It was getting late and he had some work he needed to get on with. But she just looked so peaceful, gnawing on her lip in her sleep, the colors from the screen playing across her face, her eyelids trembling just slightly.

Alex remembered the days when he’d wake up hours before she would but, instead of staggering to his feet and straight to his desk, he’d just lie there and watch Eliza sleep. He’d treasure every slight twitch of her jaw or furrow of her brow, wondering what she was dreaming about, if she was dreaming about him. He’d lie there and wait for that moment when the alarm would go off and she’d wake up, her eyes dull and clouded until they caught sight of him and that light he loved more than anything would dawn, like he was the one who’d put it there. More than often on those mornings, he’d forget the pile of work waiting for him and he’d just pull her towards him, kissing her like his life depended on it.

It felt like so long since he’d done that. When had be become too busy to take just the few minutes necessary to appreciate the beautiful woman that slept beside him? Alex sighed.

He picked up the remote and cut off the TV, plunging the room into silence and darkness, leaving only the rectangles of orange streetlight climbing the wall. Alex carefully shifted Eliza, making room. She roused a little, making an adorable little huff of confusion.

“Shift over,” he smiled, lying behind her, winding his arms around her waist, holding her gently. Eliza made a noise that was close to a contented purr, nestling into him and placing her hands on his, on her taut skin.

“You’re beautiful,” Alex sighed in her ear, “You’re really beautiful.”

Eliza turned her head; her eyes still half closed, her expression both sleepy and incredulous, “Really?”

He knew where her skepticism was coming from. Her self esteem was shaky at the best of times and right now she was wearing one of his t-shirts, her rattiest pajamas, her hair scraped back in a bun, her eyes full of sleep and the genuine, perpetual exhaustion that came from growing another human being inside you. That statement sounded even more unbelievable in her ears right now than usual. 

“Yes, really,” he insisted, running gentle thumbs in slow comforting circles across her skin, his eyes warm and sincere, “I mean it.”

Eliza’s eyes flickered down, her face unsure. Alex shifted a little, hugging her as close as possible.

“You’re carrying our child, Eliza,” he murmured softly, “How can I think you anything less than absolutely beautiful?”


	9. Things you said at 4am

Alex could remember the time when his newborn son’s every snuffle and whimper had been like music to him, each one the most wonderful sound in he world. He’d pull a face when Eliza would come up behind him and gently tell him it was time for Philip to be put down to bed; he didn’t want to let go of him, didn’t want to miss a single moment with this amazing little creature that he’d somehow helped create.

However, when he heard those cries at four in the morning, he struggled to find the same sense of wonder.

Alex’s eyes flew open at the sound of those gasping, shrill cries echoing through the dark bedroom. He groaned low and gravelly, dragging the heel of his hand across his cloudy eyes, spitting out the lock of his hair that had found its way into his mouth.

Wait no, it wasn’t his. It was Eliza’s.

His wife was shifting and groaning next to him, searching about for consciousness too but he reached out and put a gentle hand on her bare shoulder.

“I’ve got him,” Alex muttered blearily, his voice cracking, “No worries.”

Eliza sighed, like she was going to put up a fight but she relaxed after a moment, sinking down into the warm patch Alex left behind him as he struggled into a sitting position, untangling himself from the blanket and her limbs. He was trying to handle the majority of baby Philip’s frequent nighttime tantrums, trying to let Eliza get as much sleep as she could. Even a week after giving birth, she still had worrying dark circles under her eyes, still moved hesitantly and winced often when she thought her husband wasn’t looking, still fell asleep on Alex’s shoulder as they sat and watched TV in the middle of the day. She needed her sleep, way more than he did. And if he nodded off at his desk while looking at case files, it wasn’t such a big deal. Burr would just have to translate his exhausted scrawling notes into English the next day.

He managed to stagger over to Philip’s crib in the corner of the room without falling over anything in the dark. Moonlight was falling in through the slats in the blinds, illuminating the scarily small form of his son, thrashing and squirming, howling disgruntledly.

“Hey there little man,” Alex smiled despite his exhaustion, reaching in and stroking his son’s soft, feathery curls, “It’s okay, I’m here. There, there, everything’s okay.”

Sometimes his father’s voice would be enough but not tonight. Philip just screwed up his little face and kicked his legs like a turtle stuck on its back. Alex chuckled tiredly, reaching in to pick him up.

He’d been so scared the first time he’d been handed his son, terrified he’d drop him or his touch alone would break his fragile little form. But he was starting to love the comforting weight of the baby in his arms, the warmth and the powdery smell of his skin. Alex rested him against his shoulder and rocked him gently, hoping he’d go back to sleep.

Alex tried not to think about his past if he could avoid it. In fact, he’d spent years stamping down those memories, shoving them to a dark corner of his mind where he could pretend to ignore them. But it was difficult to feel his son in his arms, to look at his face and feel such indescribable pride rise in his chest, and think about his own father, poisonous memories sneaking up on him when he was too tires or overwhelmed to fight them off. He’d been crying a lot this past week.

Had his father held Alex in his arms and bounced him against his shoulder when he wouldn’t sleep, told him stories in a low, melodious voice until he stopped crying? Had James Hamilton held him on his knee and burst into delighted, bewildered tears when his little fingers had closed around his thumb? Had he ever spent hours simply gazing at Rachel while she fed their child, in complete disbelief that this beautiful woman had given him this gift that he’d never be able to repay?

Alex bit down on his lip hard. Now wasn’t the time. He couldn’t.

Philip was still fussing, whimpering and mewling like a frightened kitten. Alex frowned. He wasn’t damp or anything, he must be hungry.

“Eliza? Eliza, sweetheart?” he shook her shoulder gently, feeling guilty as her relaxed expression creased into a frown. But she managed to smile when she opened her eyes and saw her two boys.

“He’s hungry, huh?” she guessed, her voice thick with sleep as she slid up against the pillows, reaching out her arms for her son.

“Sorry,” Alex smiled apologetically, handing him over and perching on the edge of the bed, “I think he’s inherited my sleep schedule.”

“God help us all,” Eliza joked, shifting the squirming baby in her arms.

Philip soon quieted, his wheezing cries ending with a small huff that for all the world asked ‘what took so long?’

The two new parents heaved quiet sighs of relief, grinning at each other.

“Are you okay?” Eliza asked curiously after a few moments.

Alex blinked, suddenly realizing that his expression had turned a little sad. He opened his mouth, searching for words but he just shrugged. Eliza’s eyes softened. It was okay, she understood. She understood more than he knew.

“I just…I love you, Eliza. I love you so much,” Alex, murmured, his voice almost indistinct.

“I love you too,” she breathed, her hand reaching out and finding his.

Whatever Alex’s past had been, this was his future, his Eliza and their baby. And it was better than anything he could ever have imagined.


	10. 40) Things you said when you met my parents

The arm Eliza had wound around Alex’s waist as she steered him towards the restaurant served two purposes: comforting her nervous boyfriend and locking him in place so he couldn’t run away like half of him wanted to.

“It’s going to be okay,” she told him again, for what must have been the twentieth time that minute, but she’d happily say it a million times if she had to.

“I know it is,” Alex nodded though his teeth stayed gritted.

Eliza was starting to get familiar with all the little tics and signs that showed when Alex was incredibly nervous; the way he’d hold his fingers in claws, the way his jaw would be tight, the way he’d rock on his heels. And now she recognised them, she saw them much more often than she’d like, when everything else about him seemed to be radiating confidence. It worried Eliza more than a little.

“Of course it’s going to be okay,” Alex continued in a voice rapidly increasing in volume and pitch, “All I’ve got to do is meet my girlfriend’s rich and powerful parents, namely her father who’s a fucking senator.”

Eliza sighed. She couldn’t blame him exactly.

“You are going to be fine,” she insisted, hugging him against her, no one can charm like you can.”

His tight expression didn’t change, “Yeah, it’ll be fine. As long as I don’t talk about my parents or my upbringing or my sexuality or my-“

Eliza stopped, taking hold of his shoulders, forcing him to look at her.

“Dude, seriously, give them some credit. You’re smart, you’re kind and you treat me wonderfully, that’s all they’ll care about. I promise.”

Alex sighed, managing a small, grateful smile, “Okay but promise you’ll still love me if I make a complete and total idiot of myself?”

Eliza smiled and pulled him towards her for a swift kiss, “You’ve been a complete and total idiot since I met you, Alex, and I love you anyway. But you won’t mess up. I trust you.”

Alex gave a short laugh and straightened, bracing himself. Eliza gave him a reassuring smile and straightened the collar of his grey sweater before pulling him towards the door of a restaurant that was at least twenty magnitudes too fancy for a couple of college students.

“Although one thing? Um, maybe don’t swear in front of my parents?” Eliza said quickly, “My mom’s got a thing about that.”

Alex groaned, “I’m doomed.”

The instant the door to Eliza’s dorm clicked shut behind them; she pounced on Alex, pushing him down onto her bed while the two of them laughed with relief and delight.

“You were perfect!” she crowed in triumph, between breathless kisses along his jawline, “They adored you!”

“Really?” Alex grinned, though his expression stated plainly that he knew he’d crushed it.

“Yes!” Eliza’s eyes were shining, “I’ve never seen my mom actually be impressed by someone before! And my dad loved you!”

“Oh, thank God,” Alex laughed, “No offence, but your family is kind of scary.”

Eliza chuckled but then her expression softened a little, “Seriously. I’m really proud of you Alex.”

He opened his mouth but was quickly distracted by Eliza’s hands sliding up under his shirt and her lips tracing a path down his neck to the hollow of his throat, his words quickly dissolving into a low moan.

“In fact…” she murmured, “I think you deserve a reward…”

The sun was rising by the time they were finished. Alex rested his head on Eliza’s chest, letting the steady rhythm of her heartbeat and her fingers playing with his hair soothe him. He ached all over but he was happier than he could ever remember being.

He loved her so much. So much it scared him a little, that it was a physical weight in her chest.

“My mother would have loved you,” Alex sighed, his warm breath making the hairs on her skin stand on end.

Eliza had been half asleep, exhausted, but at those words her eyelids flew open in surprise. He’d never talked about his mother before, only quietly mentioning that she’d died while he was young.

She didn’t even know what her name had been.

Alex had felt his muscles tense, as those words had broken free, almost without thought. Something had snuck under the walls he’d spent years building up around that part of himself and ran right up to Eliza.

And it was fine. It was all okay.

“The day she died was the worst day of my life,” Alex continued, his voice low and rough, “I didn’t even know she was gone until I woke up the next day. I’d snuck into her bed because I just didn’t want to be alone, I had my arms around her but when I opened my eyes her skin was cold and her…her arms were stiff and her eyes…that’s when I…when I knew…”

Alex didn’t even notice the tears running down his face until they began to pool on Eliza’s skin and run down the valley of her chest. But he couldn’t stop.

“I never even got to say good bye to her,” he murmured, mournfully, his body beginning to tremble, ‘I thought she was going to be okay. One moment she was there and the next…I was on my own.”

Eliza’s grip on him tightened, “Oh Alex…”

“And I’ve been alone ever since. Until…until you, Eliza.”

“And you won’t be alone again,” she whispered, her own face damp with tears, “I promise.”

And Alex believed her. He actually believed her.

Once they could speak again, once the tears and the shaking had passed, Eliza had to give Alex a watery smile.

“She really would have liked me?” Eliza murmured.

Alex leaned in and kissed her, her lips tasting of salt.

“She’d have loved you,” he assured her with perfect certainty, “I know it.”


	11. 52) Things you said with my lips on your neck

“Okay, so can you read through this and tell me if it’s any good? I think I really botched the conclusion,” Philip said, gnawing on his lip the way he always did when he was worried, holding out the essay he’d just finished.

Theo smiled wryly. The essay would be near perfect, as usual, there wouldn’t be a single fault. But, along with his father’s brains, Philip had also his mother’s natural tendency to worry. He’d never believe anything he’d done was good until Theo assured him it was. He trusted her word better than he did his own.

“It’s excellent, dude,” Theo told him, after she’d scanned through it, “Professor’s probably going to have something to say about the fact that it’s a page over the limit but that’s nothing unusual.”

Philip grinned, puffing up his chest, “Thanks, angel.”

Ever since they’d started going out a few weeks ago, he’d pulled what felt like a million different pet names from nowhere, using them at every opportunity like he’d been holding them in all this time. Theo had blushed and rolled her eyes but she couldn’t deny that she liked it.

“So, are we done with work for the night?” Theo asked, her smile turning a little heated, leaning back against her pillows.

“Uh, yeah, well I am, I don’t know if you-“

“I’ve been finished for ages, Philip,” she admitted, laughing.

“Oh,” Philip looked a little bashful, “I went a bit too far again, huh?”

“It’s okay,” Theo reached over and took his hand, drawing him towards her, “you can make it up to me somehow.”

Philip realized where she was going with this, his eyebrows raising and his grin brightening, his skin darkening a little. He swept the notebooks and pens off of Theo’s bed, sending them clattering to the carpet in one smooth motion, climbing on top of her eagerly. They were both giggling uncontrollably as they shifted until they found the way their bodies fit together like two puzzle pieces. It was still a little strange sometimes, even now, to have been best friends for so long and to now be dating. But as soon as their lips met, their mouths opening in surrender, the only thought in either of their minds was why on earth it had taken them so long,

Philip slid one arm under Theo’s waist and one hand under her head, pulling her up towards him like he couldn’t stand for there to be even the slightest bit of space between them. Theo wound her legs through his, anchoring against him like he was her one point of stability, her anchor. It felt so natural, so easy, like everything else had slowed down and fallen away, leaving something completely safe and honest. 

They were both smiling when the need for oxygen finally forced them to pull away.

“You’re beautiful,” Philip murmured, his lips moving down to her neck, his breath warm against her skin, making the hairs there stand on end.

He said it so plainly, like it was the simplest fact in the world. The sky was blue, the grass was green and Theodosia Burr was beautiful.

“So are you,” she smiled, her fingertips brushing the back of his neck, running the tighter curls there through her fingers.

“I must be,” he laughed, his skin creasing as his smile grew even wider, “If I managed to get someone as wonderful as you as a girlfriend.”

Theo blushed, her skin darkening beautifully. He just came out with stuff like that, like it was nothing. It was unbelievable.

His expression suddenly changed, like something had just occurred to him.

“Um, Theo?” he murmured, his voice low, “Is your dad home?”

She suppressed a snigger. Philip had always been kind of nervy around the stoic Aaron Burr, even more so now he was dating his daughter.

“Don’t worry, Philip, he’s not going to come bursting in and throw you out of a window or anything,” she assured him.

“Oh, well, because, um…I was thinking…I know why haven’t really talked about it or anything but I…I mean, um, if you wanted to we could maybe…uh…”

Theo frowned in confusion but then her eyes widened as she realized what he was stammering over. Well, that was certainly an interesting proposition.

It was true, they’d never actually discussed having sex. Their relationship had kind of sprung up out of nowhere; they were just sort of playing it by ear. She’d always thought something like this would involve planning and discussions and…

But why not? She loved Philip. He loved her. Why not just wing it for once?

“Yeah, okay. I think I’d like that,” Theo grinned.

She’d never seen someone look so scared and so excited at once.

At least he was prepared, she thought, after he’d somewhat guiltily pulled a condom out of his wallet. He blushed when he saw her raised eyebrow.

“Don’t laugh,” he begged, “I, uh, may or may not have had a conversation with my dad.”

Theo smirked, shaking her head. Just the idea was enough to make her laugh. Still, it was kind of sweet.

The look on his face when he gently tugged off her shirt and slid her jeans down her legs, it was like someone who’d lived underground their whole lives finally seeing the sun. Theo grinned and sent a silent prayer of thanks to her past self who’d had the forethought to put on matching nice underwear that morning. He didn’t look half bad himself; he had a lot more muscles under his shirt than she remembered from when they used to go swimming at thirteen. His freckles extended all the way down his shoulders, covering his brown skin like dappled spots of sunlight through leaves. She had a sudden urge to count them all.

There was a pause, when her hands were at the waistband of his boxers and his were at the strap of her bra. They looked at each other, a little warily, both with the sense that they were standing at the edge of something.

“Don’t think,” Theo whispered, “let’s just do it.”

Philip grinned, his teeth winking in the low light as he nodded.

So they did.

She had to help him with the condom. He was a little distracted by what was in front of him, his jaw had gone slack at the sight of her breasts and he hadn’t quite fixed it yet. He held her reverently as he pushed her onto her back, positioning himself carefully, kissing her neck again like he just couldn’t help himself.

Theo gasped and her nails dug into his shoulders as he slid into her. Philip made a noise somewhere between a yelp and a growl as her internal muscles held him tight. And then he started to move, hesitantly rolling his hips until they found a rhythm, a pattern that matched their breathing, a path towards where they wanted to go. With every rock, Theo whimpered in delight, she’d lost all control over her expression and her voice. Philip was more focused that he could ever remember feeling; all he could see and all he could think and all he could feel, all he knew was Theo.

It wasn’t that long before it was over, before Theo’s back arched and Philip moaned low in his throat and, with a shudder, they reached their peak in perfect synchrony. Theo simply yelled; Philip howled her name. It was a very, very good thing that they were alone in the house, Theo would think later.

They just held each other for a long time, panting and shaking. Then their eyes met and they began to laugh, laughing so hard with such unconstrained joy, there were tears in their eyes when they finally regained their control.

Philip extracted himself from her as carefully as he could, suddenly aware of how much his own body was aching and terrified that he might have hurt her.

“Are you okay?” he asked anxiously, his thumbs kneading the tops of her arms comfortingly.

“Yeah,” she whispered, her voice suddenly hoarse, “More than okay. I feel fantastic.”

Philip laughed, relieved, letting go of tension he hadn’t even been aware he’d been holding.

They’d stood on the edge and they’d fallen. But they’d landed on their feet.

And now they could keep moving forward.


	12. 22) Things you said after it was over

Eliza ached and hurt in a million different places but it all felt so far away, like it was happening to someone else. All she truly felt was the comforting, familiar weight in her arms as she held her newest son close and the support of her husband holding her.

“He’s perfect,” Alex murmured, his voice cracking with exhaustion and emotion, “He’s just perfect.”

It was one of those rare times that Alexander Hamilton was lost for words, that was all he’d seem able to say since he’d first heard his newborn’s son’s cries fill the hospital room. Eliza could feel his tears gently falling against the top of her head.

“I know,” she sighed, leaning back against him. She just wanted to enjoy this moment of calm and uncomplicated joy after the storm of pain and effort, the moment that made it worth it.

“You need some sleep, my love,” Alex managed after a while, pressing a kiss to the side of her head, “You must be exhausted.”

Eliza knew he was right but she just didn’t want to move, everything was so perfect she was terrified that if she closed her eyes, it wouldn’t be there when she opened them.

“I’m fine,” she insisted, her thumb running in slow, comforting circles across the crown of her son’s head.

Alex pulled a face, “You just spent nearly twenty hours giving birth, Eliza. You’re an angel but even you must be tired after that.”

Eliza sighed, stifling a yawn, “I know but…I just don’t want to take my eyes off him.”

Alex chuckled, resting his chin on her shoulder, breathing in her scent of soap and milk and warmth. He couldn’t argue with her on that one.

“How about a name then?” he asked, “We’re going to run out of boy names if this keeps up.”

Eliza laughed quietly, trying not to wake up the sleeping baby in her arms. It did seem like they specialized in in Y-chromosomes.

“I don’t know, actually,” she mused, “I’m pretty much out of male relatives…do you have any ideas?”

Alex blinked. Naming their children had always been up to Eliza; after watching her in complete awe as she brought another one of their children into the world, he’d have agreed to anything she said. He hadn’t really thought about it before…

“How about James?”

The words were out of his mouth before he was completely aware of the idea. Eliza turned her head, her dark eyes full of shock.

“James? Like your dad?” she asked, hesitantly.

“Yeah,” Alex said quietly, a small smile growing on his face, something that had never happened before when he’d talked about his father.

Not that he ever talked about him often. Eliza had pieced together everything she knew from fragmented conversations in the dead of night after he’d woken up from some nightmare sobbing or in the midst of one of the panic attacks he suffered. But she knew enough to feel an angry tightness in her chest whenever she heard the name James Hamilton and to know that his request to name their new son after the father who’d abandoned him and his brother was unusual.

Alex’s eyes drifted down to the face of this fourth child, another piece of living proof for how far he’d come, that he was living a miracle. The desire to protect him, to hold him and shield him from all the terrible things he’d faced as a child, was so strong he could feel it physically in his throat.

“I know it sounds strange, I mean, I hate my dad and I’m not trying to honor him or anything. But I love my children, so much it hurts,” tears were running down his face, his voice was growing low and gravelly, “And I want to be able to say that name without feeling…feeling like this. Does that make sense?”

Eliza smiled, turning so she could kiss his damp cheek gently, “I understand, Alex. I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

She held the tiny form of her son close to her chest; Alex’s hand moving under her’s to support him. The image of his mother’s smiling face, a little blurred by time and memory, entered Alex’s mind and he could feel the weight of a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“James Hamilton. Welcome home.”


	13. 11) Things you said when you were drunk

The club was rammed with people and the music and talk was loud enough to make Alex’s ears hurt but he spied Eliza from across the room within seconds. She just had this light about her that stood out to him and drew his eye, like everyone else he’d ever met had been wearing white and she was wearing black. Just like him.

He grinned at the sight of her, shaking Hercules’ arm and motioning so they’d know where he’d gone. He didn’t catch the look Herc threw to Lafayette who smirked and waggled his eyebrows in return; he was too busy picking out a path through the forest of bodies standing between him and her.

Alex was halfway there when he saw who she was talking to, stopping dead as his goofy, drunken smile slid off his face. He’d never seen the very tall, very athletic looking young man before but in two seconds he’d decided that he looked like someone who couldn’t be trusted. Something about the way he was standing so close and leaning into his girlfriend.

“Eliza!” Alex practically bellowed as he crossed the distance remaining between them at the speed of light, “Finally found you!”

“Alex!” she turned to him with a smile that made his whole day better, even if it was made a little lopsided and her eyes made a little glassy by drink, “There you are!”

Alex pulled her towards him and pointedly gave her a kiss on the cheek. Keeping hold of her hand, he placed himself directly between her and the mystery guy. A forced smile was plastered onto his face, “And you are?”

“This is Jamie, he’s on my course,” Eliza explained, not seeming to pick up on the tension vibrating through Alex’s body, “He’s doing the same modules as me.”

“Oh really?” Alex’s voice had skyrocketed a few octaves; his teeth were practically bared, “How nice.”

“Yeah, she’s been keeping me sane through lectures with her jokes. She’s a funny girl,” the guy projected over the music. His voice was very deep. And he was even taller up close. And he was very muscly. Alex straightened up unconsciously.

“I know,” he replied tightly, trying to keep the nervous squeak out of his voice. He failed.

“Yeah just the other day she was telling me-“ he began but Alex’s patience snapped.

“How interesting,” he yelled, his voice flat, as the music shifted into something faster with a stronger beat, “Come on Eliza, lets go dance!”

Now Eliza frowned but she didn’t resist as Alex tugged her over to the dance floor.

She was still frowning as they sat on the curb outside the club, waiting for the cab to take them back to Eliza’s dorm.

“Are you okay, Alex?” she asked, her voice still a little loud over the ringing in her ears, “You seem a bit…off?”

“I’m fine,” he insisted though he was awful at hiding his feelings, especially when he’d drank at least four whiskeys. His face remained dour.

“Well I don’t believe you,” Eliza replied primly, her voice still slurring just a bit, “So…?” She gestured for him to finish the sentence, nearly poking him in the eye as she misjudged the distance.

“Nothing,” he maintained, stubbornly, “It’s just that guy…”

“Who? Jamie?” Eliza tilted her head, “What about him, he’s nice?”

Alex pulled a face, “If you say so. Its just…do you remember how we met?”

Eliza smiled at the memory, “Of course I do. I was in a club and you punched some asshole in the face because he tried to hit on me and than called me a racial slur when I told him to fuck off…but Jamie isn’t like that, he’s a friend and we were just-“

Even through her drunk haze, the eureka moment crept into Eliza’s brain.

“Alexander Hamilton, please do not tell me you’re jealous. Of a guy you witnessed me having a ten second conversation with.”

Alex opened his mouth to argue, realized quickly that he had no answer and settled for hugging his knees to his chest and resting his chin on them sullenly.

“Alex, come on, you know that’s super dumb, yeah?” she sighed.

“Of course I know,” he muttered, “That’s why I’m so annoyed. Because I know how stupid it is but I still feel it.”

Eliza shook her head in disbelief. “Oh, come here, you idiot,” she said fondly, scooting over to him and putting her arm around his hunched shoulders.

Alex eventually relaxed against her after a few moments, sighing as he rested his head against her shoulder, “Sorry. It is dumb.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Eliza smiled, her hand snaking up to rest against his face comfortingly, “I mean, seriously. I love you, Alex. You never, ever need to doubt.”

“Thanks. I love you too.”

“Come on, cab’s here. We’re going home and I’m going to tear your clothes off. Sound good?” Eliza grinned, jumping to her feet and holding out her hand to him.

Alex finally grinned, biting his bottom lip, “You always know just what to say, Eliza.”


	14. 47) things you said in a hotel room

Both Theo and Philip breathed twin sighs of relief as the door to the hotel room clicked shut behind them. They shared a conspiratorial grin before Theo pinned him against the wall, her mouth finding his, her body curving to match his, breathing a sigh of relief against his skin like she was finally home. The wedding had been fun but they were both relieved to finally be alone.

“You look beautiful,” Philip gasped in between fevered kisses, his hands moving up to hold her face, “Did I mention that?” 

“About hundred thousand times,” Theo purred, her hands working to undo the buttons on his shirt, “But you’re more than welcome to keep saying it.”

Philip laughed throatily, his fingers playing with her hair, “Good because I think I’m going to need to say it a few hundred thousand more times.”

Theo grinned. She couldn’t remember ever being this happy.

It had been like that all day; Theo had felt like she was walking on air since her dad had slipped her arm through his and given her a reassuring kiss on the cheek before they’d set off down the aisle. It had all been so perfect, Philip’s look of bewilderment and joy when he’d lifted his eyes to see the woman who was going to become his wife in a few minutes, the way Eliza Hamilton had folded her into a hug with the kind of warmth and love she hadn’t even realized she’d been missing, watching Alex Hamilton try and fail to not cry as he told her and Philip how proud he was of them. Georges Lafayette’s best man’s speech had been hilarious, making Philip blush down to his roots and attempt to hide under the table while Theo had just laughed until champagne came out of her nose. They’d danced until she felt like her legs were going to give out, taking turns with each one of her new brothers in law and her sisters in law, who insisted on pulling Theo onto the dance floor with them when a Beyoncé song came on.

Eventually, she found herself in her father’s arms. 

“Having fun?” he’d grinned as he smoothly guided her through a surprisingly elegant waltz, he was a better dancer than he let on.

“Definitely,” Theo smiled, “Everything’s perfect.”

“Of course it is,” he chuckled, “Eliza Hamilton’s been planning this day the two of you were ten years old.”

That made a lot of sense; her new mother in law had seemed scarily prepared when Theo and Philip had slightly nervously sat his parents down and showed them the ring glittering on her finger. The ‘idea scrapbook’ she’d pulled out had been roughly the size of a cinderblock.

“So…” her father’s eyes drifted downwards and he seemed to be struggling with what to say. Theo’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline in surprise. This was a rare occurrence.

“Um…I just wanted to say that Philip Hamilton is…a nice young man?” Aaron’s dark eyes slid over to the corner of the room, where Philip and his dad were having a contest as to who could balance a spoon on their nose the longest to amuse a table full of children, “Who… is intelligent, kind and, most importantly, clearly cares a lot about you and…I think you’ve made a good choice, is what I’m trying to say. And I think you’re going to be very happy with him.”

Theo’s smile was iridescent, “Don’t tell Philip that, he’ll faint.”

Aaron laughed deeply, a laugh that held so many memories for Theo and reminded her how lucky she was. She rested her head against her fathers shoulder and closed her eyes happily.

When Theo and Philip woke up, they were so tangled it took a few moments to figure out who’s limbs were whose.

“Good morning Mrs. Hamilton-Burr,” Philip murmured playfully, his voice thick and heavy with sleep.

Theo giggled, reached over and tweaked his nose, “Good morning.”

Half a minute later and they were kissing again, drifting back together like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“You know something?” she sighed, as they paused for breath, her eyes large and warm and soft.

“What?” Philip propped himself up on his shoulder, tilting his head like a quizzical puppy, one hand coming to rest protectively on her collarbone.

“My mother would have loved you as a son in law,” Theo smiled with perfect certainty, ‘I know she would.”

Philip looked like she’d just gifted him the sun, a little surprised but utterly delighted.

“I love you,” he smiled.

“I love you too.”


	15. 59) Things you said after we fell in love

Eliza got ready slowly, having to stop every so often and sit on her bed with her head in her hands, marveling at the fact that she was actually going on a date with Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton.

She’d already broke and frantically Skype called Angelica and Peggy, nearly hyperventilating, trying to work out whether she was delighted or excited or terrified.

“Honey, just calm down,” Angelica sighed comfortingly, “It’s a date. People do this all the time.”

“Yeah and it’s only Alex for crying out loud,” Peggy teased, “That goofball’s already nuts about you.”

“Yeah but what if I can’t think of anything to say or I fall over or do something stupid or I-“ Eliza babbled, running her shaking hands through her hair, looking like she was about to face a firing squad rather than one of her best friends who was now her boyfriend as of two nights ago.

“Okay, listen to me Eliza Schuyler,” Angelica leaned into the camera, her eyes firm but full of big sister kindness, “You are beautiful, you are amazing and Alex is the luckiest idiot in the world to even be getting a date with you. Okay?”

“Amen,” Peggy grinned, throwing her hands in the air.

Eliza’s eyes flickered to the floor and she squirmed a little but her smile was a mile wide, “Thanks guys…can you help me pick something to wear? I’ve been stuck for, like, forty minutes.”

“Yeah,” Angelica smirked, regarding her sister, who was sat there in her underwear, “You look great and all but if Alex sees you like that he’s going to be on his knees in a heart beat.”

Eliza blushed, while Peggy cackled, “Angelicaaaa…”

Half an hour later and Eliza was looking at her reflection in the mirror, twitching the hem of her dress and smoothing her hair anxiously. It was fine, she told herself firmly, it was only Alex. It was only a date. Her first date ever.

The phone buzzed to life on the table, making her jump. Alex was at the door to her building.

“Here we go,” Eliza muttered.

Alex had never looked so neat, his hair slicked and tied at the back of his neck, wearing a grey jumper and black jeans that weren’t even ripped or anything. And he’d actually brought flowers, a bouquet of daisies and gypsophila that he presented to her with a flourish.

“I remembered they were your favorites,” he grinned, a little bashfully.

“They are,” she breathed, surprised that he’d remembered, she’d only mentioned it in passing as they’d walked through the park a few weeks ago, “Thank you so much.”

Alex looked like her words had made him feel ten feet taller, “Thanks…you look beautiful, by the way. Like, breathtaking.”

Eliza paused, looking his eyes, full of perfect sincerity. He meant it. He actually meant it.

Suddenly she felt braver.

The film might have been good, it might have been bad, neither Alex nor Eliza would have known. They were far too focused on each other to pay the slightest bit of attention. It started with just Alex’s hand on Eliza’s knee, her head on his shoulder. But then he actually did the whole pretend yawn trick to put his hand around her shoulder and, once she was finished silently laughing, that was it. She pulled him towards her, their lips finding each other in the dark. The movie could have been nothing but slow motion footage of ducks from then on and neither of them would be any the wiser.

“So, um, that was a pretty good first date then, yeah?” Alex grinned, leaning against Eliza’s front door, his hand still in her’s. He’d taken hold of it, threading his fingers through her’s, as they’d taken a detour through the park, and he hadn’t let go since. He didn’t want to ever let go.

Eliza smirked. It was very Alex, to ask for feedback before the date had even officially ended.

“I don’t think most first dates involve that much making out,” she teased, “But I had a lot of fun.”

Alex gave a laugh that was a hair’s breadth away from being a giggle, “Can you blame me? But yeah, I had fun too…so we might actually work out, huh?”

“Yeah,” Eliza grinned teasingly, pulling him closer to her, winding her free arm around his waist, “We just might.”


	16. 10) Things you said that made me feel like shit

It happened too fast for either Alex or Eliza to control. They were both tired, Alex was stressed, Eliza was hormonal and, before either of them knew what was happening, they were arguing.

“All I’m saying is don’t just blow me off when I ask you what’s wrong,” Eliza growled, crossing her arms as she sat on the bed, watching him yank off his work clothes.

“It’s not your problem, Eliza,” he sighed, like someone who was explaining times tables to a child, “It’s not yours to worry about.”

“I’m your wife, Alex,” she pointed out sharply, her annoyance flaring at the tone of condescension in his voice, “If it’s your problem, it’s my problem too. That’s how this whole marriage thing works.”

This was infuriating. She was trying to help him, for God’s sake, why was he being so closeted about it. Did he expect her to just say nothing when he came in from work with shadows under his eyes like he’d been punched, his shoulders slumped and his expression dark, dragging himself like he’d lost a fight?

“Don’t worry about it,” Alex insisted, in a tone of voice that seemed to make it clear that he was right, that she needed to listen him. She was used to hearing that edge to his voice when he talked to other people but he’d never used it with her. She was starting to see why so many people wanted to punch her husband in the jaw.

“You’ve got enough to deal with, my love,” he protested when he looked over his shoulder and saw her expression, his eyes flickering down to the now noticeable curve in her abdomen. Eliza gave a huff of frustration. He always did this, acting like he was protecting her, like she should be grateful, no matter how many times she tiredly reminded him that she wasn’t made of glass.

“You’re not doing me any favors by locking me out of your life, Alex. We’ve talked about this,” her voice was growing icy, the way it always did when she was getting really angry. Alex caught it, he should have recognised it as the sign to back off. But he was just too goddamn tired.

“Eliza, for God’s sake, you wouldn’t understand,” he snapped, the volume of his voice louder than he’d intended.

She blinked, at first just too shocked. Then her face turned to stone and she got up, turning towards the door.

“Eliza? Eliza wait,” Alex stammered, recognizing immediately that he’d gone too far, that he’d fucked up, “Listen, I didn’t mean- where are you going?”

He followed her out into the hall, into the living room, his expression turning frantic.

“For a walk,” Eliza said shortly, spinning to face him as she got to the front door, the look on her face stopping him dead in his tracks.

“What? It’s like ten at night, Eliza, you can’t-“

“I can,” she corrected him sharply, narrowing her eyes, “And you’re going to stay here.”

“Eliza! Just let me explain-“ Alex faltered, looking like he might cry.

“Don’t bother,” she bit at him, “I probably wouldn’t understand.”

The door slammed shut behind her, leaving Alex to storm back to the living room, throw himself on the sofa with his head in his hands and curse his own stupidity in a low, furious growl.

Eliza always went for walks when she was stressed or frustrated. Her parents used to joke that she must have angrily stomped the length of the Schuyler grounds a hundred times in her youth, especially around exam time. It had been a habit that Alex had been happy to get on board with. More than a few all nighters at college had been spent doing laps of Central Park, arm in arm, restlessly wandering until they calmed down, went back to her dorm and made out until they fell asleep in each other’s arms. That routine was one they’d been falling back on with increasing frequency since she’d gotten pregnant.

After about half an hour of stalking around the dark streets, angrily muttering to herself, and Eliza was ready to admit that she missed having Alex next to her, even if he was the reason she was out here.

She stopped, shivering in the night air (she’d been too worked up to remember to grab a jacket). She was still annoyed, still angry with her idiot of a husband but she was ready to talk to him. Maybe she’d gone a little over the top too, she thought with an internal sigh, unconsciously placing a hand on her belly.

Eliza stopped and turned around. Time to go home.

When she opened the door, she almost ran straight into Alex who was standing in the hall, in his coat and scarf, his eyes wide and anxious, clearly having been just about to open the door she’d just walked through.

“Um, I-I was just going to come and find you,” he explained, sheepishly, as surprised to see her, as she was to see him.

“Oh,” Eliza said.

There was a long pause.

“I’m so sorry,” they both said in perfect synchronization, with equal emphasis and sincerity.

They both had to laugh at themselves then.

“No, no,” he insisted with a sigh, once they’d controlled themselves, “You’ve got nothing to apologise for. You did nothing wrong. I was a complete dick.”

“Yeah, a little bit,” Eliza smirked, playfully, reaching out and taking his hand, “But I didn’t exactly deal with it like an adult.”

Alex frowned, “God, you’re freezing! Don’t do that again you nutcase, you scared the life out of me.” He pulled her against him, rubbing her bare arms with his hands in attempt to warm her up.

“I know. I’m sorry,” she admitted, laying her head against his chest gratefully.

He led her inside, pulling her onto the sofa, letting her wind herself around him.

‘Listen,” he sighed, one of his hands smoothing down her hair while the other rested protectively on her bump, “I know I’m being a cock and I definitely, definitely didn’t mean to make it sound like you were stupid. You know I don’t think that…I guess I’m still getting used to the idea that I don’t have to do everything on my own. That I actually have someone to talk about this kind of stuff with. Is that weird? Does that make sense?”

Eliza felt her heart soften and she hugged him back tightly, “Yeah. Yeah, I think I get it. You’re not alone, Alex. I’m in your corner.”

Alex smiled, “Thank you, Eliza…I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	17. 57) Things you said when no one else was around

Aaron Burr moved quickly through the dark streets, keeping his shoulders tensed against the cold wind and his head down away from the eyes of anyone who might pass. He didn’t need to raise his eyes. He’d walked this path what felt like a hundred times and he knew it well.

Trying to look like he was supposed to be here, he walked swiftly up the stairs to the front door. It opened on the third knock and a slender arm pulled him inside. Before Aaron knew it there was warmth against him, around his waist and at his neck, and Theodosia’s low voice in his ear. And suddenly all the weights he’d been carrying that he hadn’t even been aware of, all the burdens, just fell away. And everything was perfect.

“I have a hypothesis about you,” she announced playfully, her head resting against his shoulder and her long fingers tracing an idle path across his chest, as they lay together in the vast expanse of the bed.

“Do you really, Theodosia?” Aaron smiled, running his thumb over the soft, dark skin of her shoulder. He never missed an opportunity to say her name. When they’d first started talking, just the easy companionable talking of friends who honestly understood each other, she’d admitted that she didn’t really like her name. Its grandiosity had always embarrassed her. But as things between them had shifted, had started to spin out of either of their control, she found that she quite liked hearing Aaron saying it. He helped her find the music in it. And in turn, she helped him discover that he actually liked being called Aaron, rather than the short, sharp plosive ‘Burr’ that everyone else in the world used. There was a kind of warmth in ‘Aaron’; when Theodosia’s rich, honeyed voice wrapped around the syllables, it sounded like the name of a kind man, a man who loved and was loved in turn. With Theodosia, Aaron started to believe that he could actually be that man.

“I think you’re one of those people who acts all stoic and cold, like nothing gets to them, but inside, they’ve got real soft hearts and beautiful minds and kind souls. They’re just a little afraid of them, so they pretend that those parts aren’t there,” Theodosia mused, her hand still roving across Aaron’s skin like she was studying it, like she was mapping out every inch of it so she wouldn’t forget it.

“What do you think?” she lifted her head so her deep brown eyes could look into his, “Am I close?”

Aaron raised one eyebrow. This wasn’t their usual gently teasing banter. Her tone was light, but there was a genuine question underneath it. He frowned a little but he didn’t actually mind. One of the things he loved about Theodosia, one of the many things, was her boldness.

“Is this what I get for falling in love with a scientist?” he sighed, making Theodosia grin, scrunching up her nose in that adorable was she did.

“Well I don’t think it’s particularly scientific, doctor,” Aaron continued, a little sardonically, “But it’s certainly an interesting theory. Do you have any empirical evidence to support it?”

“A little,” she purred, shifting forward and resting her chin at the base of his throat, so their faces were only a few inches apart, almost touching, “But I’m working on collecting more.”

They kissed, softly and first but it quickly deepened into something fiercer. For a while, they both forgot about anything but the taste, the touch, the sound of each other.

But Theodosia’s words were still rattling around in Aaron’s mind, even after when they were lying tangled together, listening to each other’s heavy breathing.

“Did I ever tell you what my parents were like?” he said, suddenly, the words breaking free of him before he had time to think, somehow bypassing his brain entirely.

Theodosia turned, her gentle face full of surprise. Aaron had never mentioned his family, the family he’d lost a long time ago. Not to her, not to anybody. But there they were, those words hanging in the heavy air between them, a door swung open and waiting for the two of them to walk through. There was a pause but then her face split into a smile so sweet it made Aaron feel like he was finally home.

“No, no you haven’t,” Theodosia murmured quietly, her voice a little hoarse but full of warmth, “I’d love to know, though.”

So Aaron talked. He held Theodosia in his arms and he talked for hours, all the things he’d never, ever dreamed he’d be telling anyone. And she held him back, holding his hand, a constant reminder that it was okay.

Everything was okay.


	18. 51) things you said as we danced in our socks

People who knew Philip Hamilton and Theodosia Burr would, at first, find it hard to believe that the two were best friends.

Theo had her mother’s regal features and her father’s vaguely cagey attitude; she was a little stoic and only spoke after she’d chosen her words very carefully. Philip on the other hand was loud, overly friendly and best described as a Labrador puppy in human form. At first glance, their personalities didn’t seem to fit together. But, somehow, they did.

Theo likes spending time at the Hamiltons. Their house was filled with noise and mess, two things that were very rarely seen in the Burr household. She loved Eliza, who always had a kind smile and a hug; no matter how many smaller children she had hanging off her when Theo walked through the door. And Alexander was fun; what had started as an attempt to befriend her in order to annoy her father had turned into genuine respect and fondness. She liked how he talked to her and all his children like she was an adult, like her opinions and thoughts would be as valid as his. Her own father was the only other person she knew who did that. When Theo was at their house, she actually felt like she was part of a big family, which was nice.

And, of course, the Hamilton house had Philip himself, the biggest plus. He liked to be around in case his parents needed him so most of their free time was spent listening to music or watching films in his surprisingly neat room or else running around after any one of his siblings.

Today, they were doing the latter. Alex and Eliza both had meetings that were over running, Philip was in charge of the little ones and his eyes had that worrying gleam they got whenever he’d one of his ideas that anyone else would think was dumb.

“Philip?” Theo asked warily, studying her best friend’s face suspiciously.

“I have an idea,” he declared, proudly, springing up from the sofa where they’d all been safely sat watching cartoons.

His brothers began to fidget excitedly, also recognizing that Philip was about to do something fun but powerfully stupid. Over on the window seat, Angie snapped her book shut, leaning forward with excited eyes.

Theo sensed the overall amount of common sense in the room begin to rapidly fall, “Philip, before this goes any further, think. Is there a chance this idea is going to result in anyone’s neck getting broken?”

Philip waved her away, “Unimportant,” and led them all into the dining room.

Theo stood in the doorway with an increasingly worried expression as he began pushing aside all of the furniture, moving the chairs, the table, the bookcase all to the sides until there was a vast expanse of bare wooden floor. He then disappeared briefly and returned with a bottle of floor polish and his speakers. Before long, the surface was shining slickly and Theo’s head was in her hands.

“Our own disco roller rink!” he announced grandly, throwing his arms wide like a circus ringmaster.

Alex Jr, Angelica and James all crowed with delight, their shoes off in an instant.

Theo gnawed her bottom lip. Philip wriggled his eyebrows at her invitingly, waiting.

“Okay,” Theo eventually allowed, throwing up her hands, “Why not?”

When in Rome, she thought, the beginnings of a smile on her lips. Philip saw and an irritatingly smug grin crossed his face.

With the lights off and Philip’s ‘Cheesy Dance Music’ playlist roaring and the five of them skidding around on the glossy wood at frankly terrifying speeds, it became clear that is was one of Philip’s ideas that was worth the risk of serious injury. Theo found her feet the fastest, taking hold of little James and spinning him around like ice dancers, at least until his feet went out from under him and they ended up in a giggling heap. Her next partner, Angie, was much more capable and before long the two of them were sliding around with something approaching elegance, laughing delightedly. Philip meanwhile had seized his two younger brothers, one in each hand, and were flinging them around vaguely to the beat of the Ja Rule song currently playing, one of those songs he’d clearly inherited from his dad. Theo was smiling so widely and laughing so often that her face was starting to hurt.

“What on earth are you lot doing?” Alex’s courtroom voice cut over the music, the lights blaring back into life, bringing all of them to a screeching halt. Well, Philip and Alex Jr tried but had a little too much momentum and ended up collapsing at their mother and father’s feet with a thud. 

“Well, this is…interesting,” Eliza mused, not a single note of surprise in her voice as she bent to untangle her sons.

“It’s definitely a new one, my love,” Alex agreed, his sharp eyes taking in the scene in front of him, “And we thought he’d outdone himself with the indoor water balloon fight.”

Philip winced, his expression nervous. Theo braced herself. 

But there was nothing to worry about. His dad’s stern expression was slipping quickly, especially as he was unconsciously tapping his heel to the beat of the music. It was Eliza who was the first to break though, suddenly bursting out laughing as she kicked off her heels.

“Nice idea, guys,” she said, shaking her head, stepping back and pushing off, gliding nearly halfway across the room, “Me and my sister’s used to do this all the time.”

Alex sighed, wriggling out of his suit jacket and stepping out of his shoes, “You guys are insane. But clever.”

It really was a party after that. Alex was a pretty awful dancer and an even worse skater, though he eventually managed to get nearly halfway across the room without falling over. That is, until Eliza breezed past him and landed a swift kiss on his lips, making him lose his concentration, turn bright red and crumple instantly. He shot Theo and Philip a look as they roared with laughter in the corner. Eliza merely shrugged, clearly not at all apologetic.

“I love my family, “ Alex chuckled with a wry smile after they’d all collapsed breathlessly in the living room almost an hour later. As he said it, he reached out to affectionately ruffle the hair of whoever was closest to him. Which happened to be Philip and Theo.

Theo suddenly felt welcome warmth in her chest and a bright smile dawned on her face as she realized that, when Alex said ‘his family’, he meant her too.

Philip grinned and nudged her with his elbow as if to say ‘Of course! Didn’t you know?’


	19. 3) Things you said too quietly

Eliza was getting good at distracting Alex. Her personal best was ten minutes to take him from hunched over his desk in their bedroom to naked on his knees in front of her. Eliza leaned in the doorway and regarded him, their bedroom filled with the erratic clattering as he typed, his expression sharp and focused in that way she found incredibly attractive. As she stood, chewing on her bottom lip, she thought maybe she could do it in eight minutes this time.

The only problem was, Alex saw what she was doing the instant she came up behind him and draped her arms around him, resting her chin on top of his head.

“Honey, I really, really need to get this finished,” Alex groaned but there was an undeniable smile in his voice.

“Do you?” Eliza grinned, in between the hot, long kisses she was now leaving on his neck, “Or…do you need to come over to the bed with me and see if you can take my panties off with your teeth again?”

Alex swallowed back a whimper while his wife’s hands slid down to his belt.

“This report needs to be in by tomorrow…” he murmured faintly, half heartedly, his breathing growing heavy as her kisses ran a path from his jaw to the base of his throat.

“Does it really?” Eliza murmured before gently sinking her teeth into his shoulder, drawing a low, heated growl from between his lips.

Alex’s grip on his pen loosened, the beginnings of a dark blush in his face…

But then, suddenly he shook his head, jumping to his feet and out of his wife’s arms.

“No, no, no I am not losing to you again!” he declared, his face set in frantic determination, “You do this every time but I am strong and I have willpower and you are not going to win this time!”

There was a long, drawn out pause. Alex’s bottom lip trembled a little. A slow, deliberate grin dawned on Eliza’s face and she raised her eyebrows.

“Ah fuck it, who am I kidding?” Alex groaned, “You win.”

Eliza gave a bark of triumphant laughter as her husband’s arms folded around her waist, lifting her off of her feet, practically throwing her down onto their bed.

If either of them had been paying attention to anything other than their legs entwining, Alex’s hands holding Eliza’s wrists above her head, Eliza might have remembered that her phone was in her back pocket. She might have felt it buzz to life or heard the slight clicks as the movement of Alex on top of her, frantically trying to conquer her bra, accidentally calling up her list of most recent calls. If her jeans hadn’t then swiftly been taken off and thrown across the room, maybe she’d have noticed the rhythmic vibrating as a number was accidentally dialed.

But she didn’t.

Angelica frowned at her phone as she pulled it out of the gym locker. She’d just had a nearly hour long conversation with Eliza, what more could her sister possibly have left to say? Shrugging, she called up the voicemail and held her phone to her ear. Must be something important.

She was confused at first, it just sounded like a lot of shuffling and a quiet sort of gasping noise. And then she picked out a soft moan that sounded an awful lot like Eliza and then Alex’s voice, low and urgent, describing how he was going to-

Oh no. Oh no.

Angelica yelped and her phone went skidding over to the other side of the changing room. She did the only thing she thought was reasonable in a situation like this, she grabbed a bundle of her clothes out of the locker, buried her face in them and screamed until she ran out of air.

“Burr’s going to murder me for not finishing that report,” Alex sighed, closing his eyes blissfully as Eliza’s fingers teased through his long hair, resting his head against her soft stomach, “But you know what, he can bite me. I don’t even care.”

Eliza smiled, giggling as his breath and his beard tickled her skin, “You could still finish it you know, it’s only ten. I only wanted to borrow you.”

“Oh no,” Alex’s eyes gleamed wickedly, looking up at her, “You say that like I’m finished with you. Give me ten minutes and we’re doing that again.” 

Eliza blushed and grinned, suddenly gripping his hair a little harder than she had before. Alex tensed; making a noise that was practically a purr.

They were stopped by a slightly muffled tone from somewhere over the edge of the bed.

“Oh wait, hang on, that’s my phone,” Eliza groaned, wriggling out from under Alex and fishing about on the floor for her jeans, “Be right back.”

“I’ll miss you,” Alex chuckled, unashamedly enjoying the great view as Eliza bent down to rescue her phone.

“Oh it’s Angelica,” she mused, “Wonder what she wants.”

“Don’t take too long,” he sighed, curling up in the warmth left by her body like an oversized cat.

“Hey, sis,” Eliza said brightly, after throwing her husband a wink over her shoulder, “what’s up?”

Her sister’s voice was frantic, “Oh hey there, oh sister of mine, are you and Alex enjoying yourself?”

“Um…what?”

Eliza listened. She froze, feeling herself go cold all over.

Alex jumped at the clatter as Eliza threw her phone across the room.

“Um, what the hell?” he yelped, sitting bolt upright, taking in his wife’s wide eyes and frantic blush, ‘What’s up?”

Eliza’s voice was faint and quick, too faint for him to even hear, “Oh nothing much, I just need to learn to lock my phone and we need to move to Antarctica and we can never talk to anyone ever, ever again.”

‘What was that?” Alex asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“Nothing,” Eliza squeaked, squirming under the blanket and pulling it up over her head.

“Eliza, what was that?”

Alex was a little confused as to why Angelica wouldn’t look him in the eyes the next time he saw her. But from the expression on Eliza’s face, he surmised that maybe he was better off not knowing.


	20. 18) things you said when you were scared

Theo jumped a mile as Philip’s head fell forward and smacked against the table, sending the pencils rolling away and rattling the half drunk mugs of coffee.

“Um, are you okay, buddy?” she asked, a little alarmed, wondering if he’d finally succumbed to exhaustion. It was half ten at night, after all, and they’d been studying for hours.

Philip’s answer was muffled and despondent.

Theo sighed, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand. She reached over and took a handful of his curls, lifting his head and forcing him to look at her.

“Ouch,” he complained, wincing.

“Say that again, without the mouthful of paper,” she said, raising one eyebrow.

Philip screwed his face up in frustration, “This is hopeless. I know absolutely nothing about revolutionary history, I’m going to fail so hard tomorrow and then I’m going to light myself on fire.”

“Okay, you’re being dramatic which means you’re over tired. Time to call it a day,” Theo said decisively, releasing his hair and pushing her chair back.

“No, no, no,” Philip shook his head, reaching over and pulling another sheaf of notes towards him, “I need to cram as much of this information into my stupid, useless brain so maybe I don’t fail as hard.”

“Philip, come on man,” Theo was getting exasperated. She’d been expecting this; her usually calm best friend ‘s blood pressure had been skyrocketing in the weeks leading up to their finals. She’d just been hoping his breaking point wouldn’t come ten hours before their all-important history exam. It was a little inconvenient. But, still, better ten hours than ten minutes.

“You’ve been studying for this for ages, Philip. You know everything you need to know and you are going to be fine. You only feel like this because you’ve been substituting coffee and energy drinks for sleep.”

But Philip just groaned and buried his head in his hands, looking like he was coming apart at the edges. He was going to work until he smashed into a million pieces.

She studied his ruinous expression curiously. She’d been expecting a breakdown but she hadn’t expected him to look so…scared.

Okay, something was up. Something more than exam nerves.

Theo tilted her head, dropping the teasing, her voice becoming sincere, “I’m being serious. You’ve got this. You’re Alexander Hamilton’s son, for crying out loud, if there’s anyone who’s going to ace a history exam, its you.”

Philip suddenly got the look that rabbits got when they were caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck though he quickly tried to cover it up.

Okay, Theo thought grimly, there we go.

“Philip? You want to talk about something?” she mused, tilting her head slightly.

He looked like he was going to put up a fight but he was just too tired.

“I…you don’t know what it’s…I mean, I love my dad, he’s great but…with everything he’s done? There’s just a lot of…I dunno, pressure? I mean, he’s always going on and on about how proud he is of me and how I’m going to blow everyone away, like he actually says that? People call him a genius, Theo, for God’s sake. How am I supposed to make his proud if I fail?”

Philip’s voice was low and miserable and his eyes never looked up from his nervously twisting fingers. Theo’s expression softened instantly. She’d always guessed that these thoughts lived in some darker part of her best friend’s brain and she was a little relieved that he’d actually voiced it.

Theo had a suspicion there was a reason they’d moved their nightly study sessions from the Hamilton house to the Burr house, apart from the obvious difference in background noise and distractingly cute (Theo said, annoying was the word Philip jokingly used) younger siblings. The Burr house didn’t have Alex Hamilton wandering over every time he was taking a break from his own mountain of work, reading his son’s work over his shoulder, offering a myriad of suggestions and offers to test him. Philip would nod intently and answer every question correctly but there’d always be a slightly nervous look in his dark eyes.

She took his hand across the table, making him jump. Though after a heartbeat’s worth of shock, he held her’s back.

“Philip, your dad loves you so much, it’s crazy. He’s still got that drawing you did when you were four up in his office and I’m sorry to have to say this, but that drawing’s not even any good.”

That got her a small chuckle and a crooked smile.

“Whatever happens tomorrow, he’s going to be proud of you. You’ve got nothing to worry about. Promise.”

“Thanks, Theo,” Philip sighed but he looked like he felt better, “Yeah, you’re right, I need some sleep. I’m going to head home.”

“Good idea,” she smiled, starting to gather up her notes and pens, “Though Philip?”

“Yeah?”

“As soon as the exam’s over tomorrow, you’re going to talk to Alex about this whole thing. Yeah?”

He squared his shoulders and nodded, slinging his bag over his shoulder, “You know what? Nuts to my dad. You’re a genius, Theo.”

She leaned back in her chair, grinning, “Tell me something I don’t know, Phillip.”


	21. 17) Things you said that I wish you hadn’t

A section of Eliza’s brain felt like it had detached in an odd sort of way, like part of her was standing outside of herself watching this happen. While most of her was standing in disbelief, staring at Alex like he was a stranger, some of her could only wonder at how fast your life could change. How a few moments could take you from complete happiness to…this.

“I have something to tell you, Alex,” she’d grinned, barely able to control the excitement in her voice, running over and taking hold of his hands, pulling him towards the bathroom.

That’s when she’d stopped. There was a look of such sadness and defeat on his face that she’d never seen before.

“I…I have something to tell you too,” he’d murmured, his voice thick with emotion, unable to meet her eyes, “And I need you to let me explain.”

“Alex, I think you’ll want to hear what I’ve got to say, you’re not going to believe-“

she’d tried, but Alex had stopped her.

And he’d explained. And everything had changed.

“Eliza, you can’t believe how sorry I am. I…I don’t know how I could let this happen, I can’t…I mean…I’m just so sorry,” Alex had ran over this conversation so many times in his head and now all he could see was Eliza’s expression of hurt and confusion.

“What do you mean Alex?” Eliza murmured, blinking like she was trying to clear her head, her hand on her stomach like she was trying to steady herself, like she’d been punched, “What are you saying to me?”

Alex took a shaking breath, already starting to lose control, “I cheated on…on you, Eliza. I had an affair. I’m so sorry.”

She tried to make sense of that. She failed.

Alex took a step towards her, reaching his hand out. Eliza flinched away from his touch, like his skin hurt her. Neither of them could remember a time that she’d pulled away from him.

Eliza’s mind was a storm, a hurricane. All the thousands upon thousands of words that Alex had given her, those achingly beautiful words he’d used to describe his love for her. Those words that had took her breath away, that had made her cry or given her a reason to keep going.

And they’d meant nothing.

She raised her eyes to his and there was a fury in them that Alex had never thought his wife was capable of.

“How could you, Alex? How could you do that to me?” she murmured, in a voice that burned the both of them.

“I don’t know,” he cried, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks, “I honestly don’t know, I made a mistake Eliza, I’m so-“

“No,” the volume of Eliza’s voice rocketed upwards; her muscles were tight, her eyes dark, “No, do not say that again. I don’t want to fucking hear it.”

Alex’s mouth opened but she brought her fist down on the table with a harsh, sudden sound, making him flinch.

“Get out,” she bit, venom filling her words, “Get out and go to hell.”

“Eliza,“ Alex moaned, terror in his streaming eyes, more frantic apologies and desperate pleas on his lips, choking him, “Eliza, please-“

“OUT!” she screamed.

He left but he didn’t make it far. As the door closed behind him, behind everything they’d ever known, behind everything they’d ever relied on, Alex got halfway down the hall before he sank to his knees, sobbing brokenly. Eliza did the same, just a few meters away but it felt like an irreparable distance. 

Neither of them had ever felt so alone.

When there was nothing more left inside her, Eliza just sat in silence, unable to believe what was happening. And why had it happened now?

As if moving in a trance, she got to her feet and staggered into the bathroom. She looked at her reflection and didn’t recognize the person who looked back.

Then she looked down at the positive pregnancy test, still where she’d left it on the edge of the sink. 

Eliza had been wrong. She found more tears in her as she looked down at the slim piece of plastic she’d been holding so reverently just ten minutes earlier, picturing Alex’s face as she told him they were expecting for the seventh time.

She’d been so happy.


	22. 54) Things you always meant to say but never got the chance

“I love you, I love you, I love you, Alex. I-“

It was all Eliza could think to say before the sobs rose in her throat and she couldn’t even speak anymore. She just clung to his hand as his grip loosened, her lips still moving, tears spilling down her face.

“Eliza…” his voice was faint and clouded with pain, his eyes fixed on her face.

They’d left them alone. Everyone else had left, even the kids, even the doctor. Which meant they were running out of time.

Alex winced; his breathing became rapid. No. No.

There was so much Eliza needed to say, so much she needed to tell him. But all the words just died on her lips, just turned into sobs. All she could do was cling to him, like her touch alone would be enough to keep him here.

“Eliza,” Alex moaned. This wasn’t peaceful. This wasn’t painless. This wasn’t fair.

“Alex, please you can’t. You can’t leave me here, I can’t do this without you,” she gasped, shaking her head furiously to clear the tears, hating how they obscured his face.

His shaking, blood stained hand reached out and rested against her face, holding her, “You can…my Eliza…y-you can.”

Eliza put her hand over his, trying to memorize his touch, his voice, his face.

“I love you,” Alex managed, his voice fading, his eyes clouding over.

“I love you,” Eliza gasped, holding on to him as hard as she dared.

He was still. Eliza felt her heart shatter.

Eliza was so, so sick of funerals. She didn’t look up once, focusing instead on her youngest son on her knee. She just couldn’t.

So many people talking about her Alex, talking about what kind of man he’d been, what kind of legacy he’d left. Eliza imagined the wry, indignant comments Alex would have whispered in her ear if he’d been sat beside her. She actually audibly snorted with laughter at one point, feeling people’s eyes on her. They must think she was going mad. Maybe she was. How could you tell?

Finally, after a long and exhausting day, she was left alone. Angelica squeezed her shoulder one last time and left her alone in their bedroom. Her bedroom.

Eliza took out the letter from the pocket of her dress, the one she’d written that morning with tears in her eyes.

In the few days since she’d felt Alex’s hand go slack in her’s and watched the light go out in his eyes and leave her alone in the dark, she’d found the words. She hadn’t had the chance to actually say them to him but there they were, on the tear stained pages.

It would have to be enough.

She’d written so much, pages and pages of her careful handwriting turned awkward and scrawling by lack of sleep and lack of time. Always, the lack of time. But she’d gotten it all down, so many words that she thought even Alex would have been impressed.

She’d told him what a wonderful father he was, how he’d changed her life, how she loved him so, so much. And how deeply and painfully she was going to miss him.

But Eliza wasn’t going to stop and she wasn’t going to break, she’d made that clear. Someone, somewhere, had decided to give her all of the time Alex had always wanted and she was going to use it. She was going to tell his story.

“I’ll make you proud, Alex,” Eliza murmured, running her thumb over the edges of the paper.

With a deep, sad sigh she got to her feet and crossed over to the table, where the matches were. As she watched the paper blacken and curl, she opened the window so the ashes would be swept out into the grey sky. The smell of paper smoke was familiar but, now, it was welcome.

“I love you, Alex.”


	23. 42) things you said when you asked me to marry you & 43) things you said in our vows

By the time Alex had finished the whole story, the sad story of his life, both he and Eliza were crying.

“So there you go,” he sighed, his breath misting in the cold night air, “Now you know.”

He’d meant to pause, to wait for Eliza to say something but he was too scared for what her answer was going to be. So her just kept talking, not even able to bring himself to look at his girlfriend, sat beside him on the park bench.

“I have nothing to offer to you, Eliza, no money, no history, nothing. I know I talk big but…I’m honestly just a dirt poor kid who’s aiming way higher than he has any right too. The only reason I’ve made it this far is because I’ve been completely and utterly alone since I was a child. I love you so much but…I just can’t give you what you deserve. I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t talk anymore; he was too choked up. He closed his eyes and braced himself for Eliza to get up and walk away, for yet another person he loved to walk out of his life and leave him alone.

But Eliza didn’t. What she did do was reach over, grab his shoulder, turn him and kiss him, hard.

Alex was shocked but he couldn’t help but lean in, his hand resting on the small of her back. He started to dare to hope.

“Alex,” Eliza said, looking at him with earnest dark eyes that tore down all the walls he’d put up around himself, “Please don’t bottle this up anymore. If you ever need to talk, you know you can come to me. I’d hate for you to-“

“Eliza, are you serious?” Alex couldn’t help himself; he just couldn’t believe what was happening, “You don’t care about…about who I am?”

She looked at him like he was insane, “Of course I don’t, Alex! I love you, I love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to give you the future you deserve. Because you deserve to be happy, Alexander.”

He tried to speak but all that came out was a delighted half gasp, half sob and he kissed her again, both of them putting all the feelings there weren’t words for into that touch. When they pulled apart, Eliza had her hands on his face, gently holding him.

“You’re not alone anymore,” she whispered and Alex actually let himself believed it.

She kissed the tears from his cheeks and that was when he got an incredibly crazy but brilliant idea.

“So, um, if I asked you to…ah, marry me? Right now? Would that be insane or-?“

Eliza blinked, her heartbeat suddenly twice as fast, a smile slowly spreading across her face. Had she heard him right?

“Well…” she said, grinning, “If you were to do that incredibly insane, completely nuts and totally crazy thing…I would be the happiest person on the face of the planet, I guess.”

“Wow. Okay, hold on. Let me do this right.”

Alex dragged his sleeve over his eyes and gently pulled the bronze ring he always wore off of his finger, the one that had been his mothers. Still unable to believe that he was actually doing this, he slid off of the bench and down onto one knee.

“Elizabeth Schuyler,” he said, trying to keep his voice and his hand steady as he held the ring out to her, “Will you marry me?”

Eliza nodded furiously, earnestly, “Yes! Yes, of course, I’ll marry you.”

The two of them were laughing helplessly as Eliza fell to her knees in front of him, not caring that the ground was kind of wet or that they were drawing curious looks from the few other people who were in Central Park at this hour. All they cared about, all they saw was each other.

As he slid the ring onto her finger, Alex thought to himself how much his mother would have loved Eliza.

He had the feeling that his life was going to be okay from now on, as long as he had this woman by his side.

-

Alex had protested when Eliza had suggested they just stick to the normal vows. But she did have a point when she said that, if he was allowed to write his own, they’d be standing there for at least two hours.

“I could cut it down to an hour and fifteen,” he offered but Eliza still shook her head, adamant that she was not going to be able to stand up in high heels for that long.

So they reached a compromise. Alex and Eliza would both write their own vows but they’d just give them to each other to read on their wedding night. Eliza was pretty pleased with herself for thinking of something so romantic while Alex just rolled his eyes and said, fine but, in that case, he was allowed to make a speech at the reception.

 

The party was undeniably fun but both Alex and Eliza found that they couldn’t wait to leave it. They both breathed twin sighs of relief as the door of the Schuyler house’s nicest guest bedroom closed behind them, making each other laugh and grin a little guiltily.

Five minutes later and then were sat facing each other on the bed, in various states of undress, each holding a piece of paper. Eliza was smiling nervously, Alex was grinning excitedly.

“Can I read yours first?” he asked eagerly, tilting his head quizzically like a puppy would.

“Uh, yeah, if you want,” Eliza sighed, handing it over, “But you know I’m not as good with words as you are! So, y’know, don’t laugh or anything.”

Alex shook his head in mock despair, already absorbed by the paragraph of his new wife’s careful, elegant handwriting.

“Alex,” he read out loud, ignoring Eliza’s groan of protest, “When you asked me to marry you, you told me that you’d always been alone and that you couldn’t give me what you thought I deserved. But I want to tell you that, just by being in my life, you’re already giving me more than I deserve. You’re kind, you’re clever, you’re smart and I cannot wait to start our lives together. I can’t even think of words to express how much I love you, so all I’ll say is what I told you that night. You are not alone. As long as I’m alive, you’ll never be alone.”

Alex’s voice faltered towards the end as his breath caught in his throat. Tears dripped from the end of his nose onto the page.

“Did you like it?” Eliza asked hesitantly, though she suspected she knew the answer.

Alex replied by jumping onto his hands and knees so he could kiss her.

“Yes, I did,” he murmured against her skin.

Eliza gave him a few minutes to collect himself before she held out her hand expectantly. Alex handed over his vows with a triumphant smile.

Eliza had been expecting a full essay but the page only held a few sentences, circled for emphasis.

“Eliza, to be honest, I’ve hated myself for a long time. But I love you so much and the fact that you love me back, gives me reason to love myself. Thank you for that.”

Eliza raised her eyes to his face, the face of the man she loved more than anything.

“I love you,” she murmured, her voice barely audible.

“I love you too,” Alex smiled.


	24. 52) things you said with my lips on your neck & 48) things you said on our honeymoon

If Eliza Hamilton never moved again, she’d be just fine with that. The sun was warm on her skin, the grass was soft underneath her and she had Alex’s head in her lap, his long, damp hair between her fingers. She couldn’t remember ever being so happy.

It had been hard to coax her husband (Eliza was still getting used to the idea that she had one of those) into some clothes. But now they were out here, he had to admit it was a good idea. Ever since they’d arrived at the Schuyler lake house for their honeymoon two days ago, there just hadn’t been much point in wearing anything, not when they fell back into each other’s arms practically every five minutes. But Eliza had felt that they could use some fresh air and sunlight. Alex had pouted a little but then she’d bet him that she could swim a lap of the lake faster than he could which had got him moving.

He’d lost.

“Sit up a little, I think this is big enough now,” she motioned, holding out the daisy chain she’d been working on.

She settled the flowers in his dark hair. He struck a pose, holding out his wrists with balletic flair, which were already adorned with the ones she’s made earlier.

“Beautiful,” she snorted, her shoulder’s shaking with laughter.

“Know what else is beautiful? My wife,” he grinned, reaching out and brushing a strand of hair away from her face.

Eliza blushed, “Shut up.” He said those words as often as he could, like those few syllables brought him more joy than anything else in the world.

Before they knew it, they were kissing again, Alex gently pushing her back into the grass. Her long fingers tangled in his hair, one of his hands slid up under her shirt, the two of them still laughing breathlessly whenever they broke apart for air. Everything was bright and perfect.

“Hey, here’s an idea,” Eliza murmured, running her thumb over the rough skin of his five o clock shadow (he’d meant to shave that morning but she’d distracted him by pulling him into the shower with her. She kind of liked his facial hair, anyway).

“Hmm?” Alex murmured, his lips still busy at the base of her throat.

“How about we go for another swim?” she grinned.

Alex rested his chin against her chest, raising his eyebrows at her, “And have my ego bruised with another humiliating defeat?”

Eliza took hold of his shoulders, her eyes sparkling devilishly, “Nope, I don’t mean another race. Though I would love to whoop your ass twice.”

“God, I love you…well you’re definitely up to something. Spill it.”

Eliza wriggled out from under him, smoothly getting to her feet and pulling her husband to the water’s edge. With a few swift movements, she stripped off her shirt and her jeans and everything underneath. Alex whimpered.

“Come on then,” she grinned, lifting his chin so his eyes could meet her’s, “Let’s go swimming.”

Afterwards, they stood in the shallows, paying no mind to the freezing water up to their chests, Eliza’s legs wrapped around his hips, her arms wrapped around his neck, their foreheads resting against each other.

“I love you, Eliza Hamilton,” Alex whispered, his smile brilliant.

“I love you too,” she giggled, planting a swift kiss on the bridge of his nose.

“Okay, I’ve got a promise for you,” he declared, his fingernails digging into the bare flesh of her ass, ever so slightly, just enough to raise a delighted blush on her cheeks despite the cold.

“Shoot,” she smiled.

“Okay, when we’re older, when we’ve got a huge house and our seven kids-“

“Excuse me, how many kids?” Eliza exclaimed, though her grin only grew wider.

“Seven. Though that’s not the point. When we’re older, you and me take a break once a year, we come back up here and we do nothing but sit in the sun and have sex.”

Eliza nodded enthusiastically, that sounded like a wonderful idea, “You promise?”

“Hand on heart. I promise.” Alex declared, leaning in to kiss her again.

Eliza felt like she was going to enjoy being married.


	25. 31) things you said while I cried in your arms

Phillip knew something was wrong before he even picked up the phone. There was only one reason Theo would be calling him at half twelve at night.

She couldn’t even speak, she just sobbed down the phone to him, such a sad and broken sound that Philip felt tears build in his own eyes.

“Okay, Theo, I’m here. I’m here,” he repeated over and over again over the sound of his best friend’s heart breaking. It was the only thing he could think to say. What the hell where you supposed to say to someone after they’d lost their mother?

What he did say, after a while, was, “I’m coming over. Is that okay?”

Theo fell silent. On a normal day, if her world wasn’t falling apart around her, she’d have asked him in a dry voice if he’d lost his mind, it was so late and they had class in the morning. But tonight she only murmured in a low voice, “Please.”

 

“Where are you going, Philip?” his mother’s voice wasn’t angry, only curious, but there was the definite threat to it.

Philip swore under his breath. Sometimes he really hated being a Hamilton; anyone else’s parents would be in bed.

He turned towards the sitting room, steeling himself. His parents were curled up together on the sofa, watching him with cautious eyes.

“I, um, I really need to go somewhere. I won’t be long,” Philip insisted, shuffling his feet nervously but determined to walk out of that door whatever they said.

“Are you going to tell us why?” Alexander asked, his fingers still idly playing with his mother’s hair, clearly her head had been in his lap and they’d only jumped apart because they’d seen Philip.

Their son’s shoulders slumped, “It’s her mother. She…she’s gone. An hour ago.”

Eliza’s hand flew to her mouth in shock, her eyes filling with tears, and Alex stiffened.

“Theo really needs me. So I’m going,” Philip said simply, moving towards the door.

Alex was on his feet in a heartbeat, “I’ll drive you.”

The car ride was quiet though as they pulled out, Alex reached over and put a comforting hand on his eldest shoulder and kept it there.

“I just don’t know what to say to her,” Philip muttered fretfully as the car slowed outside of the Burr house, “How am I supposed to make this better?”

His dad sighed, tapping his knuckle against the steering wheel, “You can’t really kiddo…but you’re already doing everything you can. She just wants you to be there for her…believe me. All I wanted was just to know that I wasn’t alone.”

Philip started a little. Because of course his dad understood how Theo felt right now. He looked carefully at his dad’s face, his expression a little startled, as if even he couldn’t quite believe that he’d just said that.

Philip made sure to give him a tight hug before he jumped out of the car.

 

It was a long night. Theo just dissolved the moment she saw Philip on her doorstep, he ran to her to hold her up. It was a long, long time before she could speak. She talked for hours about the woman she was named for, detailing all of her quirks and habits, her stories, her smile as if Theo was trying to keep all of the details of her mother alive, now terrified that they would slip through her fingers. Philip sat beside her on her front porch, his arm around her shoulder, letting her soak his sweatshirt with salt, until the sun came up.

Even after they finally went inside, he made her a cup of tea and they sat at the kitchen table, Philip still didn’t let go of her hand.

“Thank you,” she said quietly, her head resting against his shoulder, “Thank you so much, Philip.”

He didn’t really feel like he’d done much but he gave her a smile and a comforting squeeze of her hand, “I’m here for you Theo. Anything you need, I’m right here.”

Just ten hours ago, after she’d watched her father cry for the first time in her memory, after she’d heard her mother say her name for the last time, Theo had thought she’d never be able to stand back up again. But now, with Philip’s hand in hers and his dark hopeful eyes, she felt like maybe things would be okay. Some day.


	26. 76. “I need you to pretend we’re dating…”

Philip and Theo were both well aware that she was the smart one. It was an undeniable fact. So when Theo came to Philip one evening and explained her plan to him, he had one of his very few chances to use a certain phrase.

“Theodosia Burr, that is completely and utterly stupid. Have you gone insane?”

She frowned, crossing her arms as the two of them sat on the couch in the Hamilton’s front room, “Okay, first, call me Theodosia again and you’re getting punched, I swear to God. And, second, I know it sounds kind of dumb but I don’t really have a choice here.”

“Explain to me why you have no other choice but to take me along to dinner with your family and pretend we’re dating?”

“Because Philip, if I have to sit through another two hours of my grandma constantly asking me if I’ve met any nice boys recently or if I’m seeing anyone, I am going to tear my hair out!” Theo cried, throwing her hands up in the air, nearly unending the cup of tea Philip’s mom had pressed in her hands almost the instant she sat down, just like she did with everybody. 

“Yeah, okay, a quote unquote ‘nice boy’. Which just raises further questions as to why you’re bringing me!” Philip exclaimed, starting to get a headache, “I do not meet that qualification!”

“Why not? You’re interesting, you get good grades, you’re eloquent, what’s the matter?” Theo counted them off on her long fingers.

“Flattery is not going to get me to agree to this insane plan, Theo!” 

“Oh come on, man, you’re my best friend,” Theo wheedled, leaning forward, “Please lie to my elderly relatives for me? Please?” 

Philip pinched the bridge of his nose, like he always did when he was stressed. He could sense he was losing this argument, as per. But his best friend had never asked something so unbelievably nuts of him. This was very strange, he was used to being the one who suggested the insane plots to sneak out and go to the store for more Cheetos at midnight or to go to the petting zoo despite the fact that they were both nearly eighteen years old. He was a little annoyed to discover how easy he was to win over. 

“What about your dad? If he sees me, I don’t know, hold your hand or even sit closer than five inches from you, whether its pretending or not he is going to dropkick me through the window,” Philip said grimly, still not ashamed of how he was a little scared of Aaron Burr, even if he had known him all his life.

Theo’s eyes suddenly flickered downwards, her face fell a little, “He’s not coming. He says its because he had a work thing but I know its really because after mom…passed away, he still finds it hard to talk to her family.”

Philip realised what he was actually being asked. Theo didn’t need a buffer to deflect awkward questions about her love life. She needed support. And that was the one thing Philip was never going to deny her. 

-

“How do I look?” Philip asked, feeling a little awkward.

His father ran an appraising eye up and down his son’s suit, “You look really good. Smart.”

Philip pulled a face, “Are you just saying that?”

“No, no, you genuinely look great. Much better than I looked in a suit when I was your age…Philip, can I ask you something though?

Philip was still trying to tug his tie into position, “Um, yeah, but I’ve got to run soon, I can’t be late.”

“Is this a date, son?”

Philip blushed just like his mother, right down to the roots of his curls, “What?! No! Ew! I told you, dad, I’m just going for dinner with Theo’s family. For moral support, y’know?” 

“I know…do you want it to be a date?”

“Dad! For God’s sake!”

Alexander spread his hands in a placating gesture, “Okay, okay. It just seems to me…”

Philip pulled a face. He really did not like this conversation. He began to wonder if he should just make a run for it.

“It just seems to me that getting all dressed up and sitting through an awkward family dinner, pretending to be dating someone, isn’t something you do for someone that’s…just a friend? Do you get what I’m saying?” Alex tried, raising his eyebrows.

Philip had decided, he was running. Alex watched his son’s swiftly retreating back and chuckled softly. Poor kid. 

-

All things considered, Philip thought the night had gone pretty well. Theo’s grandmother was as scary as her granddaughter could be on occasion, except all the time but he reckoned he’d won her over. He’d even got her to smile, towards the end. 

He was politely waiting at a distance while his ‘girlfriend’ said her goodbyes. Theo was smiling brilliantly as she came bounding up to him.

“You were perfect!” she grinned as they walked to her car, “Grandma loved you.”

“She did?” he pulled a face, “Could have fooled me.”

“Oh shut up…but seriously, thank you so much. I definitely owe you one.”

Philip smiled, “Anytime.”

There was a pause. 

“Um, I’m pretty sure she’s out of sight. You can, y’know, let go of my arm now, if you want,” Theo pointed out quietly.

“Oh, right. Yeah. Sorry.”


	27. 26) things you said sitting still

Sometimes Alex found himself thinking back to when he was a little kid, to the time when happiness had been something he only felt rarely, when it was a word he knew the definition of but never really the meaning. He wished he could go back and talk to that scared boy, who’d been so angry and so sad all of the time, who’d cried at night because he’d just felt so heart wrenchingly alone. He wanted to put his hands on his younger self’s thin shoulders, kneel down and look him in the eyes and tell him earnestly, “Dude, believe me. It’s all going to be okay.”

Because it was. God damn it, it was.

Ever since he’d lost his mother and been separated from his brother, family had been another elusive concept that he’d chased all his life. To him, the idea of a loving family had been like a fairytale, something to maybe daydream about but Alex would never actually be able to have.

And now here he was, with his own son sleeping in his arms. It was unbelievable.

Alex tried to stay as still as possible as he sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair, frightened that he’d jostle the baby or wake up or make him cry or something worse. He’d never, ever imagined that something so perfect and delicate and fragile as his newborn son could even exist, much less that he would have helped make it.

Damn it, his eyes were watering again. He’d been silently crying on and off for the entirety of the five hours his son had been alive and he’d just given up on trying to stop the tears when they sprang up.

The fact that he hadn’t slept in what felt like a lifetime couldn’t be helping him get his emotions under control. But he wasn’t going to argue, Eliza needed the rest much, much more than he did.

His eyes flickered over to the bed to where his wife was sleeping, her face finally relaxed and calm. It had been hard for him to let go of her, with one last kiss, and let her sleep; he had to tell himself over and over again that, once she was rested, he could hold her for as long as he wanted.

How was he ever supposed to repay her for this? How could he ever find words enough to thank her?

“Hey,” Eliza’s croaking voice cut through his thoughts, as if he’d wished her awake.

“Hey there,” he grinned,

“Been introducing yourself?” she smiled, propping herself up on one elbow as her soft, dark eyes rested on their son.

Alex gave a short laugh, and ran his thumb over the soft hair on the baby’s head, “Yeah. How are you feeling?”

She gave him a look, “Like shit, thanks for asking.”

He winced, “Sorry, that was a stupid question”

She shook her head fondly, pulling a face as she eased herself into a sitting position, waving Alex back down as he moved to help. Her face lit up as she took in the sight of her two boys, her little family.

“You suit it,” she said softly, “Being a dad.”

Alex rolled his eyes, “I’ve only been one for a few hours, I don’t think we can call it a complete success just yet.

Another look.

“Stay there!” Eliza said suddenly, reaching for something on the nightstand, “Don’t move a muscle.”

“I can’t! I think my arms about to go to sleep…”

He groaned when he saw the camera in his wife’s hand. He wasn’t one for having his picture taken but he wasn’t going to argue with her today.

“Smile!” Eliza laughed as the flash went off.

That picture, of an extremely exhausted but happy looking Alex cradling baby Philip gently against his chest, would always be a favorite of Eliza’s.


	28. 20. things you said that i wasn't meant to hear

Eliza remembered when Alex had come up to her one night, as they’d been about to turn in, with the grand announcement that he was going to learn to garden. She’d remembered how he’d grabbed one of her sunhats and placed it rakishly on his head, brandishing the hairbrush like a trowel and striking a pose, asking if it suited him. She remembered laughing so hard she felt dizzy, the way only Alex could make her laugh. He’d gotten all of their children involved, she’d come home from the store to find every one of them smeared with dirt and her husband with a slightly sheepish look on his face. But she’d only laughed again and wiped his mouth with the heel of her hand so she could kiss him, setting off a chorus of disgusted groans from their kids. Though she’d nearly cried when he’d presented her with a bouquet of roses he’d grown himself. Since then, their garden had always been a special place for them, the place they’d go to sit together when they needed a moment.

Thinking about those days now had a strange disconnect to it, like Eliza was remembering a film she’d watched rather than a life she’d actually lived. Had there really been a time when she’d lived without this constant cloud of grief, this hollow emptiness in her chest.

Since everything had fallen to pieces around her, Eliza hadn’t been all that much time in the garden. She knew it was stupid to have a whole area of her own house that she was too scared to go in but she just couldn’t be there without thinking of the smell of those roses as she’d woken up on the last birthday she’d spend with all her children within her reach or seeing the tree where Philip had rigged up a rope swing for his little brothers that had ended up with a few bloody noses but a lot of laughter. She couldn’t stand it.

Alex was the opposite. He’d spend hours out there these days, pacing restlessly or sat in grim silence on the porch, always looking like he was close to tears, pushing his hands through his hair, his breathing shaky. One morning, little Will had been staring anxiously at his father’s back with his huge dark eyes. Even he could see that something was wrong.

“Is daddy okay?” he’d asked, taking hold of his mom’s sleeve as she passed him a cup of milk.

Eliza had blinked hard, determined not to scare her son with any tears. She’d mumbled that Daddy was going to be fine, he just really missed Philip and he needed some time to himself. But in her mind, she just didn’t know the answer to her son’s question. That scared her.

Even as the sky darkened and the air grew cold, Alex still stayed out in the garden. He hadn’t done any work in days. He hadn’t eaten in hours. Eliza had been arguing silently with herself, going back and forth, psyching herself up for going out to talk to him but then deciding it was a bad idea on a continuous cycle.

She made up her mind. This couldn’t go on. She needed to talk to him.

Eliza was on the threshold of the back door when she realised with a start that Alex was talking, his voice slow and gravelly, almost too quiet to hear.

“I was talking to William today, he was asking where you’d gone, when you’d be coming back. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I just can’t think how to explain it to him; he’s only a kid for God’s sake. You’d know what to say though, wouldn’t you? Remember when you were the only one who could explain the whole ‘how to people know what colours the dinosaurs were if there’s only bones left?’ question. That was nuts…”

Eliza felt her heart sink to the bottom of her shoes, her hand flew to her mouth, when she realised who her husband was talking to. He was talking to Philip. She didn’t know what to do, whether to run or to cry or what.

Alex’s voice had darkened, “I miss you so much Philip. I forget sometimes, when I see your other pair of trainers in the hallway or see that mark you left on the door when you whacked your head off it but then I remember…and…I just can’t. I can’t live like this, son. I miss you. I’m so, so sorry. I let you go to that fight, I knew what was going on and I didn’t even try to stop you, I can’t believe I did that. I’m so, so sorry…I ruined everything. I…I hate this. I hate me.”

His voice choked off with a despairing sob as he broke. Eliza’s cheeks were streaming with tears as she leant against the door.

How had their lives ended up like this?


	29. 7. Things you said while we were driving

Alex’s hands were tight on the wheel, his thoughts far from the road ahead of him or the cityscape blurring past them. His mind was far away, back in that small doctor’s room he and Eliza been in ten minutes ago, back watching that small screen with wide, disbelieving eyes. Alex had promised himself on the journey there that he was going be tough, that he wasn’t going to cry. Eliza had raised her eyebrows incredulously and asked him if he was willing to put money on that, clearly not believing for a second that her husband was going to be able to stay dry eyed. But Alex had been adamant; he was not going to be unmanned today.

Of course he’d been wrong. Of course he’d cracked almost immediately at the sight of the sonogram, those indistinct smudges and that rhythmic movement, their first real and physical image of their baby. Of course his voice had broken and his eyes had spilled over at that sound, the quiet but very real pulsing of the baby’s heartbeat, telling them that this was real, this was happening. He’d vaguely been aware of the doctor’s gentle laughter but he hadn’t cared. All he’d been truly aware of was the sight and sound of his child and the feel of Eliza’s hand as she reached over and squeezed his shoulder.

Alex had never felt so delighted to be out ten dollars.

He shook his head in an attempt to clear it, pushing back his hair with another laugh that burst out of him with no warning. He was just so unbelievably happy.

“Oh God, Eliza!” he cried in delighted disbelief for what must be the twentieth time, “I mean, can you believe it?”

There was no response from the passengers seat. All the many other times he’d exclaimed his bewilderment out loud in the short walk from the doctor’s office to their car, Eliza had laughed, the sound ringing with as much joy as Alex had ever heard, a kind of joy he prayed would say there, in his wife’s voice, forever. She’d thrown her arm around his waist, even spun with him across the parking lot in wide, ecstatic circles, both of them too overwhelmed, too full of energy so deliriously happy it was almost scary. Her expression had matched his own perfectly.

But now she was quiet.

“Eliza?” Alex prompted, turning to his wife, sat beside him, her feet resting on the dashboard just like always.

Eliza was crying.

Not the gentle tears of joy he’d been expecting. She looked like her heart was breaking.

Alex pulled over immediately, the battered old car he’d had since college screeching to a halt at the side of the road. He turned to Eliza, genuinely scared, certain that something was wrong.

“Eliza? Honey, talk to me. What’s wrong?” he asked a little shakily, reaching out and stroking her hair with one hand, the other clasping her knee.

She leaned into his touch. “I’m being stupid,” she muttered, brokenly.

“Eliza, come on,” he prompted, gently teasing, “Last week you cried for ten minutes because you broke a spoon. Can’t be worse than that.”

Even that didn’t win a smile. Alex felt himself go cold inside.

“It’s just…I mean…my mother, you know…my biological mother. She went through all this with me. She felt me, she saw me like that, like I just saw our child. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how…how could she feel what I feel and still…still not want me.”

The tears overwhelmed her again and Alex felt his heart break. His wife hardly ever talked about the fact that the Schuylers weren’t her biological parents, the fact that she and all her siblings had been adopted at a very young age. She’d never, ever mentioned the woman who’d abandoned her as soon as she’d been born. And it was obvious why; as she cried against Alex like her heart was being torn to pieces.

There weren’t any words Alex could give her. There wasn’t anything to say that could make this somehow better. He just reached over and pulled Eliza to him and let her sob; let the tears she’d kept back for twenty-two years fall. He found himself crying with her, understanding the loneliness of a child left alone in the world, having felt it himself though furious and devastated that it was hurting the person he loved most.

Eventually it let go of her and she came back to herself though Alex still didn’t release his grip, he couldn’t bring himself to. Other cars raced past them, the minutes ticked by but neither one of them wanted to do anything but hold and be held.

Alex made a silent promise to himself there and then that none of his children would ever have to wonder if their parents loved them. They would know it for a certainty.


	30. 12) things you said when you thought I was asleep

Eliza was finding sleep difficult recently. The city was being threatened with summer; heaviness seemed to sit in the air. This, combined with being so heavily pregnant, made for some long and restless hours.

Alex had been doing everything he could to help. He read to her often, his voice steady and soothing, one hand holding the book and the other a comforting weight on her head. Sometimes he’d play the piano for her; he knew all of her favourite pieces by heart these days. All instrumentals, mind, even Alex would admit he wasn’t the greatest singer.

However, with her due date now a matter of weeks away, her resourceful husband had come up with another way to settle her, one that involved doing the thing he did best- talking. Not to her but to their baby.

Eliza would nestle into what Alex teased her was a borderline pillow fort and he would stretch out perpendicular to her, head resting on the globe of her stomach, chattering away idly for hours to the baby curled up inside, his low, lyrical voice eventually sending his wife to sleep.

He never told Eliza but, most nights, even after she’d begun to snore gently, he’d just reduce his volume and keep on going. It was odd, but he found it incredibly cathartic, having someone to talk to. Especially lately, when he’d been trying to curb his habit of bitching about every single nuance of his day to Eliza, under the assumption that she had enough to deal with.

It was a particularly warm night. Alex had stripped down to his boxers and even now, at almost half eight, there was still brackets of orange sunlight piercing through the blinds. One was falling right on Eliza’s collarbones, illuminating her soft, gentle features. Alex gazed at her as he nattered to their child about the paper he’d written on the workings of the United Nations, a dreamy smile on his face that had absolutely nothing to do with international politics, watching as her eyelids slowly drooped and her shoulders relaxed.

Eliza wasn’t fully asleep; she was just closing her eyes against the glare of the setting sun, still enjoying the sound of her husband’s voice, unbeknownst to him. She was listening as he shifted, almost unthinking, to a new topic.

“You know something? Your mother is really beautiful. She’s just…perfect. I can’t wait for you to meet her, kiddo; you’re going to adore her. And she’s going to love you. Honestly, she’s so kind and calm and funny and…jeez, there aren’t even words. You’ll see what I mean once you get to know her…I can’t believe she loves me. She could have anyone in the whole entire world, someone else who’s as good as her but for some reason, she wants me. It’s a little scary. But, y’know, I do think as messed up as I am, the fact that she sees good in me, that she loves me as much as I love her? Means…I can’t be all that bad. I must be pretty good.”

Alex’s voice thickened a little, his emotions getting the better of him, but he carried on. Eliza was frozen still.

“You’re going to have the best mother in the world, little one. You really are. And I’m going to do my best, I promise. But, honestly, if you’ve got even a little bit of her heart, her spirit…that’d be enough. That’d be enough for me.”

Eliza sat up, her eyes bright, making Alex jump back in surprise.

“You’re awake?” he squeaked, turning bright red, a little embarrassed. But his discomfort didn’t last long as Eliza reached out and seized him, pulling him closer so she could kiss him. She wasn’t as good with words as Alexander was but that kiss said everything she’d never be able to say.

They broke off, foreheads touching, Eliza’s hands on Alex’s face. They were both smiling and crying.


	31. Things you said with the TV on mute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again this contains mentions of miscarriage, as a heads up

“All of a sudden, the princess turned from the ship’s wheel to find no less than _ten_ razor sharp cutlasses at her neck, glinting wickedly in the sun. While her back was turned, her whole galley had been overrun…with _pirates!”_ Alex lunged towards his children, sweeping out the pen he kept almost perpetually in his bun and brandishing it at them like a sword, fixing his face in a suitably scurvy snarl.

Jamie dodged back, squealing, while little John leaned forward, his amber eyes wide and enthralled. AJ merely smirked, still trying to pretend that he was too old for his Pops’ bedtime stories, despite the fact that he could be in his own bed and yet here he was.

“What she do?” four year old John demanded, his chubby little starfish hands grasping the sheets, “What princess gon’ do?”

Alex grinned and tapped his youngest on the nose before pulling back, kneeling at the foot of the little bed, “Well…she was completely surrounded and outnumbered, facing a band of bloodthirsty sea bandits all alone, it seemed like the end! But the brave princess merely tossed her hair and laughed; ha ha ha!”

Alex gave a haughty sneer, reaching behind his back as if about to draw a weapon, “She unsheathed her mighty bow staff…she raised it high above her head…her grizzled, salt worn face inviting challenge…and then…”

All three of his boys, even AJ, leaned forward in anticipation, hooked on their dad’s story, eagerly awaiting his next words.

“And then…” Alex dropped his arm, “Well, you’re going to have to find out tomorrow night, aren’t you?”

He laughed at the chorus of exasperated wails his ending received, waving away his sons’ protests and pleas for more.

“Seriously, guys it’s late! You need your sleep; you’ve got school in the morning after all. Come on, give your pops a kiss and back in your own beds.”

The younger Hamiltons all moaned and scowled but Alex pulled something similar every night, most of it was just for show. After a round of tight hugs and kisses, even when AJ groaned and tried to wriggle free, story time disbanded. AJ scampered off to the room he shared with Philip, Jamie and John snuggled down in their own beds. Alex watched them all with a fond smile, having one of those moments where he could scarcely believe how much his kids meant to him.

“Goodnight, Pops,” Jamie called sleepily as Alex turned out the light, “Love you.”

He lingered in the doorway for a moment, smiling into the gloom, his voice soft as he whispered back, “I love you too, mijo, so much. Sleep well.”

He shut the door gently, grinning to himself. He slid the pen back in his messy bun as he walked down the hall; he’d probably need it later when he went back to his desk.

But for now? He’d promised his wife a few hours of his time. And while Alex owed Eliza the world and more, he could start with watching TV for her for a while.

Though Alex was a little surprised to see that the living room was empty when he walked in. An old episode of The Office was still playing, the bowl of popcorn still on the coffee table, their mugs of tea cooling rapidly.

But no Eliza.

Alex was a little confused; he and the kids had left her right here. She must be off upstairs, getting yet another blanket, or in the bathroom. So he just sat down, pulling his knees to his chest, trying to find his place in the story, he’d never seen this episode before and Eliza would be back before long.

But twenty minutes later and Alex was still sat in the darkened room alone, now fidgeting and shifting restlessly, telling himself over and over again that she was fine, she was just upstairs, and she’d be back in a little bit. Nothing to worry about, nothing at all.

He was a heartbeat away from jumping to his feet and going off to look for her or maybe call the emergency services, when the door opened. He thought the sight of Eliza would reassure him; make him realize that his fears were completely ridiculous.

But as soon as Alex saw his face, he realized something was very wrong.

“Eliza?” he studied his wife’s stricken expression, the way she was shaking, the way it looked like she was about to throw up, “Eliza, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

His wife blinked, like she was in something of a daze, like her eyes weren’t really seeing what was in front of them. She wandered over to the couch, sinking down next to Alex. Now she was close he could see the shadows under her eyes, how terrifyingly pale she was, the sweat beading on her forehead.

He felt a shiver of horror run down his spine, panic started thrashing in the pit of his stomach.

“Eliza are you sick?” he asked insistently, fear making his voice crack.

He hated it when people he loved were sick. Angie’s vomiting bug last week had given him two anxiety attacks.

But Eliza shook her head slowly, finally finding her voice though there was still a vacant look in her eyes, “Could you kill the sound please? I need to talk to you.”

Alex dived for the remote, his hands shaking as he hit mute.

“Eliza, please, what’s wrong?” he turned to her desperately; the anticipation was sickening, his imagination thinking of a million different awful things.

Eliza’s voice was flat as she bit the bullet and simply murmured, “I think I’m pregnant.”

Alex hadn’t been expecting that.

“You…you’re…oh.” He really couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Eliza just closed her eyes and bowed her head, her arms wrapping around her like she was physically trying to hold herself together, “I just threw up, fourth time today. I’ve been having pains, nausea. I should have started my period three days ago. So…”

It was the worst thing, Alex thought numbly, knowing how they should be feeling. Eliza should have thought of a cute way to surprise him with the news, giving him a made up crossword clue over breakfast the next morning, a game of charades, something like that. He should have burst into tears with joy, falling to his knees, resting his head to her lower stomach murmuring that he loved her, he loved her, he loved her over and over until the sobs overwhelmed him and he couldn’t speak. Eliza was supposed to cry too, happy tears running down her cheeks as she stroked his hair and hugged him tight.

That was how it was supposed to be, that’s how it had been every other time.

But this time all they had was numb shock, numbness out of necessity because if they didn’t shut down, it would hurt like hell.

All they had was distance, distance between them and the memories of how their last pregnancy had ended. Still with a hospital room and tears and clinging to each other.

But without a baby.

The doctor hadn’t really given them a concrete reason why Eliza had suffered a miscarriage last time, after five completely normal pregnancies, there rarely was one. But Alex would always be convinced that it was his fault; he’d been away, he’d worked too hard and left Eliza alone and made her worry. Eliza would always be convinced that it was her fault, it was her body, there must have been something wrong with her.

Both of them had grieved and cried and moved on, in a way. But they still both jumped back at the idea of facing those memories again; they were still too sharp. Dealing with the loss of their baby had been like letting ocean waves wear smooth shards of glass until they could be held again. It took time. It took patience. It took strength and distance and release.

How much time, neither Alex nor Eliza knew.

But in that instant, with the news that they’d unknowingly created another life, while neither of them were even looking, there was a moment where they both felt like this wasn’t enough time. The possibility of having more children had never passed either of their lips, not now they knew how the whole thing was done teetering on the edge of a cliff.

Were they really strong enough to do this again?

Alex found his voice first; it cracked and snapped in the silence.

“Eliza, I’m so sorry, I know we didn’t plan for this, I should have been more careful, we should have…” he wracked his brain for some night, some mistake he’d made, they’d been using protection but like that had ever stood in their way…

Eliza’s hand came down on his, stopping his frantic, nervous babbling. Alex’s voice choked off in a half sob as he clung to her fingers.

As always, she chose her words carefully, her voice low and unsteady but sincere.

“Alex, I…I know last time we…it was hard,” she murmured, a wince playing across her face, “And that this isn’t what we had planned at all, we probably should have discussed this before…”

She sighed heavily, her eyes dropping, holding onto him tighter, “But I love our children so much it hurts. And you can’t have that kind of love without risk. But…it’s worth it. I think.”

The numbness and shock drained from Alex, enough for the tears to start welling in his dark eyes, “It is. I know it is.”

The answer came to him easily, even through the confusing storm of emotions that was starting to catch up with them now their guard was down. He knew it was true, as well as he knew his own name.

“So, I’m ready to do this,” Eliza continued in her low, careful voice, turning to face him, “If you are?”

Alex looked into his Eliza’s eyes, her deep brown eyes that never shied away from showing any emotion, open and terrifyingly honest.

Just one of the many reasons she was the bravest person he’d ever known.

“We’re having another baby,” Alex let the tears spill down his cheeks, a genuine smile dawning on his face as he spoke the words aloud, making it real for the both of them.

Eliza smiled and began to cry too, clasping one of her hands in hers and holding it at her chest, “We are.”

Both of them began to laugh, a little frantically, the tension bleeding out of them now the decision was made, now they both stood at the beginning of this path. Alex’s hand rested gently on Eliza’s stomach, already feeling the slight firmness there, the little knot that was the beginning of something amazing.

Eliza’s hands roamed on him too, up to his collarbone, her fingers tracing something through his shirt, making him tremble slightly.

Alex was covered in tattoos, down his arms and across his back and chest, relics from his slightly rocky start in life. But they were part of him and he knew Eliza adored them and his kids loved them, proudly announcing that Pops had art on his skin.

So he’d started getting more, over the years. Eliza’s name over his heart, in his own careful handwriting, the same scrawl he’d used to write her any of a hundred love letters. And, across his chest, handprints. Tiny newborn sized handprints, like his children had pressed their hands in black ink and laid them carefully across his tawny skin, leaving a permanent mark on their father. It was Alex’s way of marking the occasion, he did joke that it was to even the score, Eliza has some pain, and so he takes on some pain. Eliza would throw a pillow at him, asking him if he really thought his little needle scratch really compared to pushing one of his large headed children out of her body. But he knew the little smattering of handprints were her favorite of all his ink.

But there weren’t six of them.

There were seven, one that wasn’t black but white ink, an outline rather than a handprint. One for the baby who’s face he’d never seen and name he’d never known, but they’d left their mark on their father all the same.

That handprint was never going to fade; Alex would wear it proudly, sadly until he died.

But there was room on his skin for more.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I'm on tumblr! quantum-oddity! Come hang


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